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June 8th, 2007


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06:59 pm - A Talking WHAT?
Of course, at this point in my life, male genitalia enlargement spam is nothing new. I'm sure this is the case for anyone who's had an email address for longer than, say, 30 seconds (10 if you're on AOL). Most of it is trite, uninteresting, and completely without literary merit of any kind.

But every once in awhile, every so often, I get one that has me rolling on the floor laughing, while being educational at the same time.

Now, it should probably be pointed out here that I have a somewhat odd sense of humor. In fact, I've been known to laugh at things that other people don't even understand. (These are generally things I make up, and I couldn't even tell you why they should be funny.) So, with that said, I present you with the Best. Penis enlargement. Spam. EVER!!!

In keeping with the way that spammers are attempting to get around spam filters these days, it is short, sweet, and to the point, making a poignant plea on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves. To wit:

"Listen to the voice of your penis. He is asking to get Penis Enlarge Patch."

Personally, being genetically female, I don't technically have a penis (although when a friend and I in high school thought it was hilarious to tell people to "Suck my dick," I would refer people to my left leg when they asked where the aforementioned appendage could be found. As I said, I have a somewhat odd sense of humor. And a "Suck My Dick" button. But that's beside the point). However, if I did, in fact, have a penis, and it suddenly began speaking to me about its self-image problems, I'm not sure that my visit to the doctor would include a request for a Penis Enlarge Patch®.

No, I think my visit to the doctor would be more likely to be along the lines of, "HOLY FUCK, doctor, MY PENIS IS TALKING! I have a TALKING PENIS! Next thing I'm going to have it telling me to kill the infidels! I have a BRAIN TUMOR, don't I? Play it straight with me, doc!" and then asking for some Thorazine or other anti-psychotic medication.

Not having a penis, I can't be certain, but I have a feeling that would be my reaction.

On the other hand, I've always had a bit of a soft spot (no pun intended) for people ... err ... entities with self-esteem issues. It's possible that, in my sympathy, I might just try to talk it out.

Penis: "I want to get Penis Enlarge Patch."

Me: "Really? Why would you need that?"

Penis: "I want to enjoy new abilities of the real man and become him. I felt it myself when my girlfriend had left me."

Me: "Yes, but don't you think that's a little drastic? I mean, what are you really going to gain?"

Penis: "Penis Enlarge Patch can enlarge your penis up to 2 inches only in 2 months. Imagine what
it can do in six months."

Me: "But, you know, size isn't everything...don't you think you're just fine the way you are? Can't you just learn to like yourself for what you CAN do?"

Penis: "PARCEL IDENTIFY LARGE TELL TO KEEP IT! CRUMCARRIAGE MAP THREE!"

Me: "Um ... doc ... is that thorazine ready yet?"

The moral of the story is twofold. First, if penises could talk, they would sound like bad spam mail. Secondly, if you hear the voice of your penis, you are probably bugfuck insane and should seek medical attention immediately.

(50 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:plklives
Date:June 9th, 2007 02:39 am (UTC)
(Link)
Hahahahaha! Also, way to be ahead of your time with the "suck my dick." So very G.I. Jane versus Master Chief Viggo Mortensen! I have, btw, seen G.I. Jane (or at least the "suck my dick" scene) approximately twelveteen billion times since whenever I watch TV on the weekends, it is on, and the "good tv" choices are usually between that and the last 15 minutes of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Anyway, you have to wonder if a penis that is smart enough to talk and tell you to make it bigger is really sabotaging itself. Let's say you hear some muffled talking coming from your crotch. You unzip in order to investigate, hear it demand that you enbiggen it, and what, you're going to go along with that? Holy crap, I would be looking for something to make it smaller! If it gets bigger and stronger, who knows what it would start saying and doing?
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 9th, 2007 02:59 am (UTC)
(Link)
Heh. Yeah, imagine a couple of 16-year-old girls walking around telling people "Suck my dick!" and patting their leg.

Um ... actually, it's probably better if you don't imagine that.

I think imagining that is illegal in some states.

Those were the days, I tell you!
[User Picture]
From:jennilee_rose
Date:June 9th, 2007 02:52 am (UTC)
(Link)
If anyone needs me, I'll be over here, dying of laughter after reading this post.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 9th, 2007 02:57 am (UTC)
(Link)
Some thorazine will fix that right up for ya! :-)
[User Picture]
From:zootnarf
Date:June 9th, 2007 03:32 am (UTC)
(Link)
I've always used "Suck my left ovary." I'm not sure why it's always the left one. It just is.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 9th, 2007 01:19 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Don't you sometimes feel bad for neglecting the right one, or do you think it's more of an introvert?
[User Picture]
From:summerkins
Date:June 9th, 2007 03:48 am (UTC)
(Link)
....I'm just really glad i wasn't drinking anything when i read this XD
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 9th, 2007 01:20 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I saw that spam. No idea why, but I about died laughing. :-)

So I had to try to share the joy.
[User Picture]
From:eyetwitchy
Date:June 9th, 2007 06:58 am (UTC)
(Link)
Lick my clit.

What?
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 9th, 2007 01:18 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Huh?

What's that?

Oh. My penis says he thinks your clit is kinda cute and what is she doing for lunch on Sunday?

Wait ... I don't have a penis.

*calls the doctor's emergency line*
From:jmcg
Date:June 9th, 2007 04:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Penis patch, eh? Well that explains it!!!

PENIS PATCH + ANDY + SEVERAL HANDFULS OF ABUSE = COLOSSAL DICK
[User Picture]
From:diachrony
Date:June 9th, 2007 06:08 pm (UTC)

tell 'em to suck this:

(Link)
[User Picture]
From:diachrony
Date:June 9th, 2007 11:01 pm (UTC)

Re: tell 'em to suck this:

(Link)
Also, you've been metaquoted.
[User Picture]
From:alberonn
Date:June 9th, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I talk to my penis all the time.

I'm not sure I like him though, he's kind of a dick.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 9th, 2007 09:03 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh my God.

You WENT there.

hahhahaa!
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:June 9th, 2007 09:20 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I suppose you might be due for your own personal vagina monologue.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:June 9th, 2007 09:26 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Is your vagina jealous of your virtual dick infatuation? Just imagine the conversation between you all.

MrsV: Suck my dick!
Imaginary dick: Yeah! Suck me!
Vagina: Suck yourself, you inflated egomaniac! You aren't even real!
Vagina: How can you encourage him like that? It's not like you can do anything with it. Do you loath me so much that you have to make up another appendage?
MrsV: I don't loath you. I'm just having fun. Suck my dick!
Imaginary dick: Suck me!
Vagina: Sweet mercy...
From:(Anonymous)
Date:June 9th, 2007 09:37 pm (UTC)
(Link)
With my luck, I'd get to the doctor and my penis would turn out to be like the Warner Brothers' frog. It would be dancing around in my pants singing "Hello, my baby, hello, my honey" and then when I whipped it out it would just sit there and maybe go "brrrrrrip."
[User Picture]
From:midnightvoyager
Date:June 29th, 2007 02:32 pm (UTC)
(Link)
...I can't breathe now... *chokes laughing*
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:June 9th, 2007 09:40 pm (UTC)
(Link)
See, I've got, like, brain damage, and a guy's brains are in his dick, so my dick tends to say things like, "Wang smash!"

Damn. I should make that a t-shirt. Penny Arcade would probably sue me.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:June 9th, 2007 09:42 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Either that, or want to pet the cute bunny. Either of which starts trouble.
[User Picture]
From:histygirl
Date:June 10th, 2007 05:43 am (UTC)
(Link)
Men wouldn't go to the doctor if their penis started talking. They would head directly to the nearest watering hole and just sit back and enjoy all the free drinks.

"Hey... my dick can talk. You believe that shit?"

After he got socked in the jaw a couple of times, and they got the Bush jokes out of the way, people would come from miles around to see the talking dick.

He could land a TV deal. Maybe a sitcom, maybe a reality series. Maybe he'd enjoy a career as a political pundit. Although, Coulter's already got the talking dick schtick down to a science.

Oh, the possibilities...
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 10th, 2007 02:25 pm (UTC)
(Link)
"Hey... my dick can talk. You believe that shit?"

Dude. That is the truest thing I've ever read. You obviously have a deep understanding of the male psyche.
[User Picture]
From:diachrony
Date:June 10th, 2007 07:31 pm (UTC)
(Link)
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 10th, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC)
(Link)
That guy stole my idea, went back in time, and wrote a book!

I'll SUE!

Um ... unless maybe he rents me his time machine...

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