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May 26th, 2006


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10:48 am - True Tales of Terror: Bad Movie Night - The Exciting CONCLUSION!
(The below will make much more sense -- or perhaps not -- if you first read [Part I] [Part II] [Part III] [Part IV])

After this discussion with his Father, Jesus then goes to the Ottawa airport where he recruits masked Mexican wrestling star Santo in his war against evil. It is at this point in the film where we are introduced to a young lady who appears to be some sort of administrative assistant and looks a bit like the girl who does the voice of Bart Simpson although she has short spiky blonde hair. She also has a large, round, and plump bottom which is squeezed and groped at some point by EACH and EVERY single male character in the film from then on for absolutely no discernable reason.

Jesus and Santo return to Ottawa and attend the Dominion nightclub wherein Blind Jimmy Leper is performing an unusual sort of musical number.

("Jesus, it's like a cross between yodeling and scat singing," Charlie remarks. We all cringe a bit, because, well, his description of the caterwauling is pretty apt.)

Blind Jimmy Leper (who, by the way, has the worst teeth I've ever seen in my life) blessedly ends his number, and then asks the audience to give a warm welcome to Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Exit Blind Jimmy Leper as Jesus takes the stage and begins some sort of musical stylings that, again, have thankfully removed themselves from my memory, but which sushirob describes as "Kind of a beat poetry thing."

Jesus notices that when he looks in the mirror above the stage, he sees only the masked Santo and Miss Plushbottom, while when he looks out at the floor, the club is filled with people. After changing this view about forty seven times, it occurs to him that, Hey! These people can't be seen in mirrors! They must be vampires!

A large and horrific bar brawl ensues after Jesus starts it by impaling one of the vampires with a cleverly thrown wooden drumstick. In addition, Jesus breathes on a vampire, knocking it out, and engendering at least a ten-minute flashback showing Jesus chomping down on some massive garlic to explain why the breath works. Vampires are also staked with cleverly thrown toothpicks and other assorted wooden implements. This ends with most of the vampires dead, but with Santo and Miss Plushbottom captured by the vampires.

The two lead vampires appear and tell Jesus that they have his friends and the only way to save Santo and Plushbottom is to deliver himself unto the vampires. So he does.

They lead him to a junkyard where we find Jesus' friends bound together. Jesus gets tied by his hands to one vehicle, and by his feet to another vehicle. Father Eustace (The TRAITOR!) shows up and explains that, while Christ and the vampires both offer eternal life, the vampires offer "So. Much. More. POWER! Ha ha ha ha HAAAAA!"

Jesus asks, "But why lesbians?"

"Lesbians are DEVIANTS," Father Eustace replies. "They'll never be missed."

"They're not deviants! There's nothing deviant about LOVE," Jesus protests.

("Oh!" I cry. "This must be the 'addressing of contemporary sexual politics' that they mentioned in the movie description!" Oh yes, well done. Very well done.)

The vehicles are started and attempt to drive in opposite directions, but Jesus manages to use his super-human strength to NOT be ripped apart.

("They're trying to draw and quarter Jesus!" yells sushirob.

"Well, more like draw and half," says Charlie.

I calculate the placement of the ropes and vehicles, and interject, "Hm. Draw and three quarters?"

"Draw and two thirds?" reasons Charlie.

"That is fucked up," declares Niki, effectively summing it up for all of us.)

There are some smartass remarks by Vampire Johnny Golgotha about how Jesus should like this because sacrifice was always his bag, to which Jesus replies that his death was never the end of the story.

(Charlie remarks that Golgotha was pretty bad for Jesus the last time too. We all are appropriately impressed by this bit of symbolism inserted into the film by the filmmakers. Which is to say, not at all.)

Somehow, Santo breaks his chains, escapes, fights through a couple of vampires, and like a rabid dormouse, chews through the ropes and frees Jesus. Yes, the giant masked wrestling dude who just BROKE his chains, nibbles the ropes off of Jesus.

("What the hell is that guy, a squirrel?" says sushirob. "He is obviously trained in the way of Hamster Style," replies Charlie.)

There's a big fight, and a TV reporter appears reporting LIVE on the Battle Between Good and Evil! Cut to Dr. Psycho's office where he was watching the coverage on TV and giggling maniacally when suddenly Jesus appears! "You can't be here!" protests Dr. Psycho, "You're in the junkyard!"

"I am EVERYWHERE," growls Jesus and slits the white-eyed psycho guy's throat then heals him saying something like "Even in this, my love does not fail you," after which Dr. Psycho bashes him with a chair.

Back at the junkyard, Jesus and Santo fight the vampires, including a now-vampirized Mary Magnum, and Jesus is eventually himself staked through the heart which, rather than killing him, instead, lets out the pure light of love and burns all the vampires to dust, except for the one which Santo has fallen in love with (and protected with her own wrestling mask from the Burning Flame of Justice) and Mary Magnum who was apparently already dead.

Santo pleads for the life of his beloved, so Jesus heals her, and then heals Mary Magnum who, it turns out, is in love with the head chick vampire (to Jesus' obvious consternation), so he heals the vampire of her death and vampireness, and a touching lesbian kissing scene between the former vampires is presented in the same tasteful manner as one would expect from viewing the rest of this film. It turns out that Santo's former vampire love is not a lesbian at all, but rather, bi, and so their relationship can continue. Santo high-fives a now broken-hearted Jesus, crying "She's BI!" in his ecstasy over his new love's ability to return his love although he is not a woman.

(Some discussion ensues among those of us watching the movie about how come Jesus can bring the dead vampire back to life and heal her of vampirism when he didn't do anything about Father Mohawk and Father Scooter at the beginning of the movie.

"Hey, man," I tell everyone, "He TOLD them to bless the lake. If they had done their jobs properly like he told them then the vampires wouldn't have been ABLE to kill them. Jesus isn't there to bail you out of your own fuckups, you know. They were obviously incompetent, so Jesus had no use for them."

It's generally agreed that this is a fair assessment.)

The scene cuts to Jesus preaching at the park to a group of happy listeners about how we should all love one another, and remember, "Five keeps a neighborhood ALIVE!" The crowd begins all high-fiving each other.

("What the hell is that supposed to mean?" asks banshree.

"Well, you know, if everyone just went around high-fiving each other instead of shooting each other, then the neighborhood would stay alive," I explain. "Five keeps the neighborhood alive."

"That's just stupid," says banshree.

We all discuss the philosophical implications of "Five keeps the neighborhood alive" for awhile, before coming to the consensus that, indeed, banshree is absolutely correct in all important ways on this issue.)

Santo gets into his plane and flies off with his new love. The camera lingers for a moment on Jesus who is groping Miss Plushbottom's butt, Zealot Man bursts out of another hedgerow and pontificates for awhile, and the credits roll with a song whose lyrics seem to include both Biblical references and the repeating phrase, "Everybody gets laid tonight."

Exeunt all.

In closing, I would like to state, for the record, that this film should have the following warnings on the jacket.

DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF MIND-ALTERING CHEMICALS.

DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WATCHING THIS FILM.

And last, but not least,

THIS FILM MAY PRE-HOUSE THE SEAMY SIDE VOLITATION.

Everyone, EVERYONE, must see this film, because really, this has only SKIMMED over the highlights of this masterpiece, and really cannot possibly give you an idea of the SHEER MARY MAGNITUDE of it.

Nothing, my friends, nothing in our lives will ever be the same.

Oh, and did I mention you can buy Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter at Amazon.com? And if you do, then I get a nickel? I didn't? Well, never mind then.

(5 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:sushirob
Date:May 26th, 2006 08:34 pm (UTC)
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It's a Trap!
[User Picture]
From:alberonn
Date:May 26th, 2006 09:33 pm (UTC)
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You can rent it from Netflix too. ;)
[User Picture]
From:kungfubarbie
Date:June 5th, 2006 08:53 pm (UTC)
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oh god hahahah
[User Picture]
From:diachrony
Date:January 7th, 2008 07:05 pm (UTC)
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Now I want to see this so bad it hurts. I just wonder if I could possibly enjoy it (minus any subtitles/captions) anywhere near as much as I enjoyed your recap. Sigh. ::yearns::
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:January 7th, 2008 07:40 pm (UTC)
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Hahahaha!

I just re-read this and about died at this part:

"I am EVERYWHERE," growls Jesus and slits the white-eyed psycho guy's
throat then heals him saying something like "Even in this, my love does
not fail you," after which Dr. Psycho bashes him with a chair.

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