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May 28th, 2006


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08:19 am - A Safe Place
I'm sure that not many of you know this, but I, among my other amazing and wonderful talents, such as being able to trip over my own feet and the ability to sing the lyrics from Gilligan's Island to the tune of "House of the Rising Sun," happen to be a security GOD.

(Or "Goddess," if you wish, but let's not be sexist.)

That's right. If you have any valuables, I can make sure that they are never stolen, because I have a sheer talent for that kind of thing.

In fact, I put things in such very, VERY safe places, that I, myself, cannot find them!

Yes, it's true. Even as we speak, I have spent the past twenty minutes searching my house for the book I was reading yesterday. It is in such a safe place that I have not yet discovered it.

Now, you can say what you want, but THAT'S security, man. To tell you the truth, I usually put down the book I'm currently reading in one of three places. I distinctly remember yesterday, as I put it down, thinking, "If I put this book down here, I will never find it. I probably should put it in one of the usual three places."

But I didn't.

And so, it is in a safe place.

Charlie is good at this too, but not as good as I am. Generally, when he's wandering through the house, muttering and cursing with multiple uses of, varying tenses of, and emphasis on, the word "fuck," I'll ask him what's going on.

"I'm looking for my fucking DSM IV," he'll snarl.

"Well, do you remember the last time you had it?" I'll ask.

You always have to ask this when someone can't find something. I'm not sure why. After all, if they remembered the last time they had it, then they'd just go there and find it, now wouldn't they? I think it's just one of those quaint American customs like tying garlic to your door to keep the vampires out. The obligation to ask this question may, in fact, be in the Constitution, but I'd have to double check on that.

At this point in the conversation, Charlie generally starts muttering things like, "Well, I know I had it at blah blah, and then I was looking at it for yadda yadda," whilst squinching (a sort of cross between squooshing and squinting and scrunching) his face into different thoughtful configurations.

(Which reminds me: I really need to buy a video camera.)

Finally, he'll turn to me and say, "Well. It's in a safe place."

Of course, me being the security GOD(ess) that I am, I'll usually, at this point, take a glance around the room, lift up a stray paper towel or something, and say "Is this what you were looking for?" somewhat in the same tone as a stage magician uses to say, "Is THIS your card?"

And of course, it is. So, as I'm sure you can see, I am much better at these security things than Charlie, because I can find the things that he puts in a safe place.

In the past, I have applied my elite security talents to the spam problem (by completely deleting Charlie's email account) and to the issue of network security (by flash-frying my router to death with a massive charge of static electricity), accomplishing the task of not only making Charlie's email completely spam-free, but also preventing any hackers (or anyone else for that matter, including us) from accessing our network.

100% spam prevention. There is no one -- NO ONE -- who can come up to that level of security genius. And if some (well, okay, all) legitimate emails are lost along the way, well. Isn't that a small price to pay when you think about it?

So, at this time, I'd like to announce that I am available for security consulting on a freelance basis. Give me a call anytime.

Oh, but be sure to leave a voicemail. I have a cordless phone which currently is in a very safe place.

(23 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:cookiegirlie
Date:May 28th, 2006 04:25 pm (UTC)
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Just don't lose Charlie, honey.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:May 28th, 2006 05:18 pm (UTC)
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OH SHIT!!!!

[User Picture]
From:cookiegirlie
Date:May 28th, 2006 07:20 pm (UTC)
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Let's hope he finds your keys while he's lost.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:May 28th, 2006 07:12 pm (UTC)
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*sigh* Another security through obscurity proponent. Let me tell you, it doesn't work. I hid my bills in great big piles of junk mail, but to no avail. And important paperwork often finds itself being secured in the same undisclosed location as someone's half-eaten Ding-Ding. Talk about obscuring the data. No, to truely keep yourself safe, burn all your important records and then make hash brownies out of the ashes and feed them to some traveling hippies.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:May 28th, 2006 08:22 pm (UTC)
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Hm.

Got any hash on ya?

Professional interest, you know. I'm always interested in discovering new techniques in security practices.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:May 28th, 2006 08:33 pm (UTC)
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###################

You had to know that was coming...
[User Picture]
From:sushirob
Date:May 28th, 2006 08:43 pm (UTC)
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lol
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:May 28th, 2006 09:40 pm (UTC)
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Pretty much, yeah.

BWAHAHAHAAAA!!!
From:ipuhlot
Date:May 28th, 2006 10:55 pm (UTC)
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sing the lyrics from Gilligan's Island to the tune of "House of the Rising Sun,"

I kinda wanna hear that...
[User Picture]
From:sushirob
Date:May 29th, 2006 01:16 am (UTC)
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you know she says that every week, and then she sings a bit, but yet i still cant remember what House of the Rising Sun is.
From:ipuhlot
Date:May 29th, 2006 05:22 am (UTC)
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There is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
It's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God, I know, I'm one...
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:May 29th, 2006 05:34 am (UTC)
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Perhaps this will help: I've juxtaposed the Gilligan's Island lines with each of the HotRS lines.

There is   a house     in  New  Orleans
Just  sit  right back  and hear a tale

They call  the   Rising  Sun
A    tale  of a  fateful trip

It's been the  ruin of   many a poor boy
That star-ted  in   this tropic      port

And God, I know,  I'm one...
Aboard   this ti..ny  ship
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:May 29th, 2006 03:03 pm (UTC)
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Dear God, you need serious help.

I'll bet jbay would appreciate that one.

I miss jbay.

*sniff* Now you've gone and made me cry, you big meanie.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:May 29th, 2006 03:37 pm (UTC)
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I think jbay was the one that told me that Amazing Grace could be used as well.

"Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me!
It started in this tropic port
aboard this tiny ship!"

Actually, I know that I brought one of these up, and jbay brought the other, but I can't remember the details.

I miss him too. Actually, I just emailed him the other day, but never heard back, so I don't know if that's still his email or not.

*sob*
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:May 29th, 2006 03:38 pm (UTC)
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I think your brain refuses to remember the trauma, 'cause sometimes I throw "Amazing Grace" in there too.

And it's not "every week," just whenever the subject of Karaoke night comes up.
[User Picture]
From:sushirob
Date:May 29th, 2006 03:45 pm (UTC)
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so, every other week?
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:May 29th, 2006 04:12 pm (UTC)
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Pretty much, yeah. :-)
[User Picture]
From:sushirob
Date:May 29th, 2006 05:27 pm (UTC)
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which is even more bizarre considering I have never heard you actually sing on a stage in the years ive known you.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:May 29th, 2006 05:46 pm (UTC)
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Karaoke is the work of the Devil.

It's yet another activity that I could only imagine enjoying drunk. I'm sure there are people out there than can sing, but my experience with it has been much too similar to the opening episodes of "American Idol".
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:May 29th, 2006 07:27 pm (UTC)

Karaoke rules

(Link)
I used to sing professionally, so it's not *quite* that bad if it's me, although I'm a little rusty. At least, I can generally manage to stay on something resembling the actual key that the song is played in.

And you haven't LIVED until you've seen me do the "Tits & Ass" song from "A Chorus Line." (The real title is "Dance: 10, Looks: 3" but everyone pretty much remembers the "Tits & Ass" part instead.) Although, come to think of it, the last time I did it, I had about 50 more pounds worth of both assets, so it may have lost some of its impact in the meantime.

Oh -- and once I saw this little, short, chubby, Asian-looking guy with a Fu-Manchu mustache do the BEST Elvis impersonation EVER. Blue Suede Shoes for the WIN, man.

Really, if you can just manage to get someone like me or him up there first, most of the scary ones are too intimidated to sing unless they're really drunk.

Which is sad, when you think about it, because really, Karaoke night should be for everyone, not just the Karaoke whores. But alas, such is the state of our society.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:May 30th, 2006 12:07 am (UTC)

Re: Karaoke rules

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Yeah, I get the whole social thing, which I think is cool. I also think it's cool for people to just get up there and do something that they enjoy. I just don't like what it does in my head. I usually have a low tolerance for such things. (Though I did feel compelled to listen all the way through both MP3s of the Portsmouth Sinfonia that jbay sent me.) I get why people like it, but I usually just end up cringing the whole night and not enjoying it.

Now if there were such a thing as "Stupid Dance Night", I'd think it was a blast. Though I guess that happens every night at nearly every dance club around the world.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:May 30th, 2006 12:20 am (UTC)

Re: Karaoke rules

(Link)
Now if there were such a thing as "Stupid Dance Night", I'd think it was
a blast. Though I guess that happens every night at nearly every dance
club around the world.


Um, pretty much, yeah.

At least, that has been my experience.

hehe!
[User Picture]
From:kungfubarbie
Date:June 5th, 2006 08:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
hee hee hee

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