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August 5th, 2006


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10:19 am - Dear Lowes Home Improvement Centers:
A friend mentioned that Lowes needed to be added to the list of stores she cannot go to while hungry. I agreed that duct tape is both tasty and high in fiber, when she pointed out that it also comes in colors.

Well.

That is it.

That, by GOD.

Is it.

This is the thing that will make Lowes finally and forever win the battle over Home Depot, and to a lesser extent, Wal-Mart, Target, and the other littler guys.

I think you know what I'm getting at here:

That's right: flavored duct tape.

The red can be cherry!

The yellow can be banana!

Or maybe lemon. It depends on your preference. Hell, it could be GRAPEFRUIT! Anything!

The green could be tasty lime or watermelon or green apple.

And.

AND!!!

You get it to where Lowe's goes into partnership with the pharmaceutical companies, right? The ones that made the Duragesic patch for pain control and the nicotine patch for quitting smoking. And then the pharma dudes figure out how to stick all the vitamins and minerals and protein you need into TWELVE INCHES OF TAPE!

My GOD! Can you imagine?

You can go to visit your local dominatrix and get tied up AND FED at the same time! All your day's Recommended Daily Allowance of nutrition will just sink into you through your duct tape gag!

And you can wear pretty, colorful, duct tape jewelry and get your nutrition that way!

Fix a leak in your air duct and tear off a little extra for yourself and the kiddies!

Or chew it up like gum for a little snack!

Dogs and Cats will love it too! We can have brown duct tape for like kitty kibble flavor! Beige for Milk-Bone flavor! Lamb and Rice Tape! We can stop the dogs from barking, the cats from yowling, and feed them at the same time by just taping up their little mouths!

There'd be that little problem with the fur when you pull it off, but I'm totally confident that the pharmaceutical companies who brought you Oxycontin and Prozac could get over that little hurdle.

I'm telling you: this, my friends, THIS!

Is the FUTURE!

Yes.

And just think: you read it here first.

On this blog.

On the Internets.

I'll be expecting an excellent royalty on this, my patent-pending suggestion, to you, the Board of Directors of Lowes Home Improvement Centers.

Thank you.

And have a nice day.

Sincerely,

MrsVeteran

(24 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:xviragox
Date:August 5th, 2006 05:33 pm (UTC)
(Link)
And when they figure out how to put it in a pen like WD-40, then one will be able to buy the best magic marker set EVER.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:August 5th, 2006 05:54 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*drrroooooollllll*

duct tape pennnn....

~sigh~

One can dream ...
[User Picture]
From:xviragox
Date:August 5th, 2006 05:57 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Not just duct tape pens...tasty duct tape pens!
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:August 5th, 2006 06:06 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Tasty NUTRITIOUS duct tape pens!!!!

It will be bigger than ATKINS!
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:August 5th, 2006 06:07 pm (UTC)
(Link)
"The Duct Tape Diet" by MrsVeteran

Coming soon to a Barnes & Noble near you.
[User Picture]
From:xviragox
Date:August 5th, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC)
(Link)
'...How to Lose Weight and Fix Anything in 45 Days!'
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:August 5th, 2006 06:22 pm (UTC)
(Link)
'...How to Lose Weight and Fix Anything in 45 Days!'

FOR DUMMIES!!!!


Yes! YES!!! We'll be freakin' RICH, I tell you!
[User Picture]
From:teh_attack_owl
Date:August 5th, 2006 05:44 pm (UTC)
(Link)
MrsV:
Don't lick the duct tape.
Okiluvyabyebye.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:August 5th, 2006 05:53 pm (UTC)
(Link)
tHe cOlOrsSS...ThE CoL0RRRRRssSS...
[User Picture]
From:neintales
Date:August 5th, 2006 05:46 pm (UTC)
(Link)
...I think I've found the link I'll be spamming unsuspecting IM friends with for the day.

Bwahahaha...
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:August 5th, 2006 05:54 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*snicker*

Duct tape == GOOD!

Any post about duct tape is a good post, by definition.
[User Picture]
From:neintales
Date:August 5th, 2006 06:14 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I think I am forced to agree.

In college, people thought I was weird for carrying a roll of duct tape in my backpack along with all the 'normal' school supplies. But it came in handy! Not only did it let me fix the bottom of my bag the day it ripped, and fix the spines on my battered books, but it was a good way to threaten my friends and keep them in line! Also made a handy 'frisbee' when we were all bored waiting for classes.

(And they thought I was beyond weird for the huge cast iron shears I had in there too. Somehow explaining those were a gift from a friend and had sentimental value was considered even worse... But taking them out and using them to cut a paper snowflake or dolly chain while humming was a good way to end unwanted conversations.)
From:ipuhlot
Date:August 5th, 2006 06:26 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Bondage people will love this :)
[User Picture]
From:angelgypsy38
Date:August 5th, 2006 06:43 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I heart you, really hard.

MrsV = teh genius

That is all.
[User Picture]
From:ktkatrina
Date:August 6th, 2006 04:46 am (UTC)
(Link)
have you ever SMELLED duct tape?
I mean, taken a good whiff?

no way in hell I'm eating that.

:o)
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:August 6th, 2006 04:46 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Like the pharmaceutical companies can't fix a little thing like THAT.

Hmph!

My Spironolactone HCTZ smells like licorice!
[User Picture]
From:otterprincess
Date:August 8th, 2006 02:45 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I almost bought you a roll of hot pink duct tape this weekend. *L*
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:August 8th, 2006 03:25 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Hahaha!

Mmmmm....cherry!

Or ... watermelon!

Or even, Pepto Bismol for those times when you ate too much of the broccoli-flavored duct tape!

Ew.
[User Picture]
From:neintales
Date:August 13th, 2006 07:36 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Ok. Rereading the archives of "Two Lumps" while bored today.
http://www.twolumps.net/d/20060526.html
Just made me think of this post.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:August 13th, 2006 11:21 pm (UTC)
(Link)
BWAHAHAHA!!!

Oh THAT link is getting spammed to my friends!

Nice!!!
[User Picture]
From:diachrony
Date:September 18th, 2006 04:16 am (UTC)
(Link)
Pardon my commenting to an older thread, but in case you hadn't seen this, you must check it out! Duct Tape Fashion.

Also, Connie Willis' science fiction novel, Bellwether, has a running motif of duct tape body embellishments (temporary tattoo-style) being a fashionable trend throughout. (The book's good reading, even aside from the duct tape.)
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:September 18th, 2006 01:05 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Hahaha! Welcome anyway. :-)

And for what it's worth, although I wasn't thinking about either of them when I wrote this, I've seen Duct Tape Fashion and read Bellwether. You're right, it's a great book. Of course, I love Connie Willis in general. :-)

If I used a wallet, I'd definitely think about getting a duct tape wallet, although, knowing me, I think I'd probably just try to make one.
[User Picture]
From:pbrim
Date:October 6th, 2006 10:46 pm (UTC)
(Link)
As a sewer, I am planning to make my own Duct Tape Double
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:October 7th, 2006 12:15 am (UTC)
(Link)
Oh my holy freaking ... That is GENIUS!

Hey, come back and let me know how that works out for you, would you? Just from looking at the pictures, I have kind of an idea of how to do it (I'm thinking, put on t-shirt, duct tape to shape, cut off in halves, sew together with fiberfill in the middle, maybe add a bit more tape to finish off) but I'd love to hear about how it actually worked for someone before I shell out the money for the instructions. :-)

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