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October 21st, 2006


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05:40 am - Adults Only


Okay, so, I'm sure a lot of us have been getting these "cum like a pronstar" kinds of spams lately. Fortunately for me, I have my mail client set up not to show images, so most of these messages are just random words from various classic novels like the Count of Monte Cristo.

This has left me with a bit of a puzzle. First of all, why would one want to "cum like a pronstar" or "increase sperm volume 2,000%?" Maybe I'm missing something here, but to me it sounds a bit like just making a bigger mess without gaining any extra pleasure or anything.

Today, I received a spam that actually spells out the answer to this question. It states, and I quote:


I gotta tell you something. Some years ago I used to watch porno often. I always admired those guys cumming.
They splashed out so much sperm on their girls, it looked so cool, so manlike.
Now I have a girlfriend.. but quantity of my sperm was so scanty, that I felt ill at ease.>



Now, I don't know who this guy is, but he's got some serious issues. I mean ... "it looked so cool, so manlike." What. The. Fuck?

Oh, and another thing dude: your scanty sperm means a smaller wet spot to sleep on. I'd bet a few bucks that your girlfriend is happier with the scantiness then with the max volume, all right?

Oh, but yes, yes. To be a real man, you just need a large volume of semen. Okay. I was unaware of this. I thought masculinity was made up of other qualities, but okay. Obviously this guy was suffering.

And get this:

I was advised to eat green apples but even this didn't help.


He was sad. Sad and desperate. Green apples, for God's sake! The torture!

Luckily for him, there is this product that changed his life.

It's called "WONDERCUM."

Yes, I shit you not, there is a product on the market somewhere in spam land called "WONDERCUM."

And people actually buy it, otherwise there would be no need to spam about it.

"WONDERCUM."

Because, apparently, if you can't splash out sperm like the porn stars, then the terrorists have won.

God Bless America.

(35 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:ktkatrina
Date:October 21st, 2006 04:24 pm (UTC)
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okay, maybe I'm missing something not being a guy.... but ya know, if I were trying to live it up like a pron star, I think having kids might interfere with that lifestyle... and theres an occasional side effect to mass amounts of semen, namely 9 months of weight gain followed by sleep loss.
Unless of course they are TRYING to appeal to the 'baby daddy' crowd...
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:October 21st, 2006 04:59 pm (UTC)
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Seriously. Somehow, I don't see the traditional "family man" buying a product called "WONDERCUM," though. You have to wonder who the fuck they're marketing this to, and hope you never meet them in person.

That should be on the eHarmony questionnaire right after "Religion."

"Do you now, or have you ever, purchased a product called 'WONDERCUM'?"
[User Picture]
From:stardragonca
Date:October 25th, 2006 10:20 am (UTC)
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Worst possible answer:Hell,no,I own the company.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:October 21st, 2006 05:31 pm (UTC)
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I wouldn't touch this conversation with a 10" pole.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:October 21st, 2006 06:20 pm (UTC)
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Oh.

You did NOT go there.
[User Picture]
From:plklives
Date:October 21st, 2006 05:46 pm (UTC)
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I think what this dude really needs is a boyfriend. Then there'd be twice as much cum and he wouldn't have to watch so many pornos.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:October 21st, 2006 06:21 pm (UTC)
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And it would look so cool. So manlike.
[User Picture]
From:plklives
Date:October 21st, 2006 08:31 pm (UTC)
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Two men are definitely more manlike than one!
From:ipuhlot
Date:October 21st, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC)
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Shouldn't they spell it WUNDRCUM?
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:October 21st, 2006 06:21 pm (UTC)
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You know these spammers: they change the spelling around to beat the spam filters.
[User Picture]
From:plklives
Date:October 21st, 2006 06:54 pm (UTC)
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Well plus, that's the German version. Those dirty Germans.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:October 21st, 2006 07:36 pm (UTC)
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Wouldn't that be Überkum?
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:October 22nd, 2006 02:28 am (UTC)
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"Wünderkommen?"

"Biggen deine schperm volume mit der Wünderkommen!"



Gads.

And they thought Spanglish was bad.

Germglish is even scarier.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:October 22nd, 2006 04:19 am (UTC)
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That's the Kenwood of splooge enhancers.

Those crazy Japanese.
[User Picture]
From:imgreen
Date:October 21st, 2006 07:39 pm (UTC)
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...you mean you're going to write an entire entry about it and not tell me where I can get some?!
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:October 21st, 2006 08:12 pm (UTC)
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I would, but for some reason, their site seems to be down.
[User Picture]
From:sushirob
Date:October 22nd, 2006 01:37 am (UTC)
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This is a dangerous thread to use pronouns with.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:October 22nd, 2006 02:29 am (UTC)
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This is just one of those threads that started out as a really bad idea and went downhill from there.

OT: So, I assume you're still alive. The ferrets are fine.
[User Picture]
From:sushirob
Date:October 22nd, 2006 07:25 pm (UTC)
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Im alive. despite the deathmarch to frontier trail.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:October 22nd, 2006 07:29 pm (UTC)
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It's not a deathmarch if you're still alive.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:October 23rd, 2006 04:02 am (UTC)
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Depends on which end of the pointy stick you are on.
[User Picture]
From:yourdemonlover
Date:October 24th, 2006 03:55 pm (UTC)
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Actually, I think the inflated sense of manliness is just a side-effect. The real issue is safety. Who really checks their fire extinguishers in a timely manner, to make sure they're properly charged? WONDERCUM would be an excellent back-up plan. The life you save could be your own.
[User Picture]
From:suzied
Date:June 11th, 2007 07:15 pm (UTC)
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OMM - the internet is too small. I just got an email (to my university email no less) about WonderCum and, though I deleted it, the name intrigued me and I *had* to find out more, so I googled "wondercum" and ended up...here.

*looks around*

Hey - I've been here before - not this long ago, but still...

*waves*
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 11th, 2007 07:20 pm (UTC)
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BWAHAHAHA!

Small Internet.

Jeez, who would have thought that I'd come up on a google for Wondercum?

Learn something new every day. :-)
[User Picture]
From:suzied
Date:June 11th, 2007 07:41 pm (UTC)
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Google it and see - you are the SECOND result I get (ignoring the paid ones at the top)!

Hah - is this for what you wanted to be famous?? :-D
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 11th, 2007 07:55 pm (UTC)
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I actually wanted to be famous for "charity panties" or "talking penis," but I guess "wondercum" will work as well as anything.

*dies*

Oh my GOD, that's funny!
[User Picture]
From:suzied
Date:June 11th, 2007 08:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Admittedly, "charity panties" might be better than "wondercum", but I guess one has to take what one can get, eh?

I don't think I read about a "talking penis"!
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 11th, 2007 09:17 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Boy, are you ever missing out.

http://mrsveteran.livejournal.com/101378.html

Hahaha!!!
[User Picture]
From:suzied
Date:June 11th, 2007 09:23 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I had, actually, started into it, but then I decided I needed enough time to read it more carefully (and not post something stupid in there! haha - saying stupid stuff is one of my strengths)

In April, I posted something in my journal regarding an email about a patch that promises to make your 'dick' big enough to park a car on. It raised a LOT of questions for me :-P
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 11th, 2007 09:36 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh, I think the comments on that post have gone FAR beyond "stupid stuff" and into the realm of ... oh, hell, I don't have a name for it. I doubt that you'd be able to break anything in there. :-)
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 11th, 2007 09:20 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Hahaha! I am number one in Google for "penis enlarge patch thorazine."

I need to start a spam blog and see if I can sidetrack all the spam traffic. :-)
[User Picture]
From:suzied
Date:June 11th, 2007 09:24 pm (UTC)
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*bows to your talent and fame*
[User Picture]
From:suzied
Date:June 11th, 2007 09:25 pm (UTC)
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Btw - Hi! I'm Suzie. Nice to meet you :-)
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 11th, 2007 09:39 pm (UTC)
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Nice to meet you too! (I introduced myself to you over in photog42's blog, by the way.) :-)
[User Picture]
From:suzied
Date:June 11th, 2007 09:42 pm (UTC)
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That confused me for a moment because I thought that, maybe, you'd introduced yourself previously and I'd forgotten about it! I feel better knowing that I just hadn't gotten to it yet :-)

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