mrsveteran (mrsveteran) wrote,
mrsveteran
mrsveteran

A Talking WHAT?

Of course, at this point in my life, male genitalia enlargement spam is nothing new. I'm sure this is the case for anyone who's had an email address for longer than, say, 30 seconds (10 if you're on AOL). Most of it is trite, uninteresting, and completely without literary merit of any kind.

But every once in awhile, every so often, I get one that has me rolling on the floor laughing, while being educational at the same time.

Now, it should probably be pointed out here that I have a somewhat odd sense of humor. In fact, I've been known to laugh at things that other people don't even understand. (These are generally things I make up, and I couldn't even tell you why they should be funny.) So, with that said, I present you with the Best. Penis enlargement. Spam. EVER!!!

In keeping with the way that spammers are attempting to get around spam filters these days, it is short, sweet, and to the point, making a poignant plea on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves. To wit:

"Listen to the voice of your penis. He is asking to get Penis Enlarge Patch."

Personally, being genetically female, I don't technically have a penis (although when a friend and I in high school thought it was hilarious to tell people to "Suck my dick," I would refer people to my left leg when they asked where the aforementioned appendage could be found. As I said, I have a somewhat odd sense of humor. And a "Suck My Dick" button. But that's beside the point). However, if I did, in fact, have a penis, and it suddenly began speaking to me about its self-image problems, I'm not sure that my visit to the doctor would include a request for a Penis Enlarge Patch®.

No, I think my visit to the doctor would be more likely to be along the lines of, "HOLY FUCK, doctor, MY PENIS IS TALKING! I have a TALKING PENIS! Next thing I'm going to have it telling me to kill the infidels! I have a BRAIN TUMOR, don't I? Play it straight with me, doc!" and then asking for some Thorazine or other anti-psychotic medication.

Not having a penis, I can't be certain, but I have a feeling that would be my reaction.

On the other hand, I've always had a bit of a soft spot (no pun intended) for people ... err ... entities with self-esteem issues. It's possible that, in my sympathy, I might just try to talk it out.

Penis: "I want to get Penis Enlarge Patch."

Me: "Really? Why would you need that?"

Penis: "I want to enjoy new abilities of the real man and become him. I felt it myself when my girlfriend had left me."

Me: "Yes, but don't you think that's a little drastic? I mean, what are you really going to gain?"

Penis: "Penis Enlarge Patch can enlarge your penis up to 2 inches only in 2 months. Imagine what
it can do in six months."

Me: "But, you know, size isn't everything...don't you think you're just fine the way you are? Can't you just learn to like yourself for what you CAN do?"

Penis: "PARCEL IDENTIFY LARGE TELL TO KEEP IT! CRUMCARRIAGE MAP THREE!"

Me: "Um ... doc ... is that thorazine ready yet?"

The moral of the story is twofold. First, if penises could talk, they would sound like bad spam mail. Secondly, if you hear the voice of your penis, you are probably bugfuck insane and should seek medical attention immediately.
Tags: a talking what?, spam, stories
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