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June 18th, 2007


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07:28 pm - My Husband, the Super-Villain
Every one of us, while we may not realize its import, has a super-power. We each have some extraordinary talent that brings, for some, the amazement of friends and family, and for others, the amusement of people at cocktail parties. You've probably even witnessed some firsthand, like your cousin's ability to always get the parking space right by the door, or your aunt's ability to balance thirty-seven teacups on her head while singing "Carry me Back to Ol' Virginny" and performing an intricate bellydance after drinking most of the holiday rum punch at the family Christmas get-together.

Now certainly, these super-powers, amazing and/or amusing as they may be are not the sorts of things that tend to show up in comic books. They're often not at all useful for law enforcement, kicking bad-guy ass, saving the planet, or other such flashy (and, let's face it, overrated) things. Rather, they are, for good or for evil, mutant talents that can affect all in their vicinity.

My husband's super-power, or at least the one most widely famed, is the ability to find the most bizarre movies ever made.


Of course, at some time or another, we've all probably been channel-surfing on the TV when we suddenly come across something that looks a bit odd, or bad, or low-budget, bizarre, or just simply something we wouldn't make an effort to go and watch ourselves. Sometimes, we watch it with the fascination of a train wreck. It could happen to anyone.

To Charlie, however, this is the rule and not the exception. With his hand on the remote, the TV unfailingly comes on to "Vampire Beach Bunnies" or "Lord of the Pygmy Wombats in Space" or even "Space Truckers." If someone else is in the room, the TV will display something that Charlie finds hilarious and/or captivating, but which that someone else will likely find antithetical. For an example, sushirob has now watched "Next Friday" approximately eight times and I still don't think he's seen it all the way through. I myself have watched "Jackass: The Movie" at least thrice.

I don't think I need to point out that this was unintentional on our parts, do I?

I most certainly hope not.

I mention this only in passing, because this evening, as I came out of my office, I saw Charlie watching a movie where some young man was attempting to fill up some large syringes with some kind of liquid. A rather nervous looking man was strapped down on a table in front of him, while another man in a lab coat stood next to him exhorting him to focus on something and not be so nervous.

"They hired him to be an executioner at this prison," Charlie informed me, referring to the young man. "His dad was apparently on death row there at some time."

As I watched, the young man began singing "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves while he shot up the table guy with the syringes.

I looked over at Charlie. "This is an indy film, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but it's pretty good," he said.

He always says that.

"Apparently, they hired him because he has a genetic tendency toward moral ambiguity," Charlie said.

I walked away.

When I came back a few minutes later, the movie was still on. "His mom was a porn star and married his dad while he was still on death row and they had two kids. Oh -- and he just had sex with the next person he's supposed to execute," Charlie announced, no doubt wanting to make sure I got the full benefit of the film even without watching it.

"Um. Was it a woman?" I asked.

"Yeah, she was in the men's death row for budgetary reasons," he explained, "She said she saw him kill the other dude and that got her really hot and then she did him through the bars."

"Through ... the bars," I repeated.

"Yeah," said Charlie, giggling a bit.

"That is one wacky prison," I said as I made a hasty retreat.

As I said, we each, every one of us, has a super-power. I think Charlie is more along the lines of a super-villain. I'd like to go back out to the living room now, but ... I'm afraid.

Very afraid.

The lesson for us all here is this: if Charlie ever says, "Hey, I found a movie for ya," you should RUN, not walk, as fast as you can in the opposite direction from any surrounding televisions and/or TV remote controls. Probably should get away from computers as well, seeing as how there is YouTube.

I hope this important safety tip proves useful. Remember: the mind you save may be your own.

Thank you.

And good night.

-----------

ETA: I was just informed that the movie was Love Comes to the Executioner and that it is available at Amazon.com. Which only goes to prove my point, to wit, Amazon.com is scary.

(43 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:blackbirdshaq
Date:June 19th, 2007 03:31 am (UTC)
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I am horribly fascinated by Charlie's evil power. I can barely sit through a good film these days (attention span), let alone a really bad one. How does he do it? Does he actually derive enjoyment from these films? Is he the one reason bad films are still being made? What does he think of Bruce Campbell?*

I think you know what my super-power is, but I'll share for the whole class; I have the worst farts known to mankind. I can clear a room like nobody's business. At a Monkey Meet they once called me "The Spleen," which I would have been okay with, except that Paul Reubens had horrible pimples in that movie (Mystery Men), and I just hate pimples.

I've been threatened with butt plugs (not the sexy kind), Febreeze suppositories, and enemas galore. Nothing works. The best I can do nowadays is throw out a warning or simply hope that the gas dissipates before I get up off of the sofa. It's a good thing I've got a pretty face, because if I was ugly AND smelly I would be screwed. At least I can take gas-ex for a few dates.

* I like Bruce, he's just been in some really bad movies.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 19th, 2007 08:50 am (UTC)
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I think Charlie's ability to watch these is like Superman's ability not to burn his own eyelids off with his super-heat-vision.

It's a built-in survival mechanism.
[User Picture]
From:ladyfox7oaks
Date:June 19th, 2007 04:55 am (UTC)
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Thank you for the warning... and what kind of channel would even be SHOWING somthing like that? i mean- that sounds Very much like bad Pr0n...
(Not that- in all truth here- I would KNOW good Pr0n from bad. but still- Through the Bars sounds particularly painful...)
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 19th, 2007 08:49 am (UTC)
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It was probably the Independent Film Channel or the Sundance Channel. No idea.

Doesn't really matter, though. He could probably have found the same thing on "TV Land" or "The Hallmark Channel."
[User Picture]
From:siliconshaman
Date:June 19th, 2007 05:09 am (UTC)
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I don't think Mad Science counts as a super-power, does it?

Assuming not.

So, my super-power, is actually kinda cool.
I can bend time.

I can make time disappear, so you only think a few minutes have passed, but really, it's ages. Also, the other way around too... and sometimes, if I try really hard, I can slip back though time a short ways.

Also, I charm cats... but I'm not sure that quite counts either.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 19th, 2007 08:38 am (UTC)
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Mad Science is TOTALLY a super-power!

So is making cool art.

The time thing is cool too, though. Dad has a time-related power in that he is never late, or, if he is late, the universe rearranges itself so that it doesn't matter. E.g, if he gets in a traffic jam and is late for a meeting, everyone else is late as well.
[User Picture]
From:photog42
Date:June 19th, 2007 06:33 am (UTC)
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My super power is the inability to tell a joke. Seriously. Give me any joke, no matter how simple or funny, and I'll go down in flames every time.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 19th, 2007 08:47 am (UTC)
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You know, that one actually might be useful for kicking bad guy butt. When the bad guy pauses and looks at you and says, "Dude, no, you told it wrong: it's the other way around!" and tries to explain to you how the joke should be told, you wallop him on the head with a frying pan.
[User Picture]
From:sushirob
Date:June 19th, 2007 07:08 am (UTC)
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I think putting the parental lock on IFC would be a good first step in curbing this ability.

[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 19th, 2007 08:39 am (UTC)
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You don't understand: he's found them on all the major networks, TLC, Discovery AND Food Network.
[User Picture]
From:histygirl
Date:June 19th, 2007 07:59 am (UTC)
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I have 6 words for Charlie: Andre The Butcher, starring Ron Jeremy.
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 19th, 2007 08:44 am (UTC)
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The IMDB review I saw of that said the only movies that could possibly be worse would be "Hostel" or "Cabin Fever".

I'd like to point out that Charlie has found both of the latter two already.
[User Picture]
From:fabledbrewer
Date:June 19th, 2007 11:53 am (UTC)
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Hmmmm.... Charlie is my hero. However, my hero is apparently a Super-Villain.

Does this make me a henchman?
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 19th, 2007 12:59 pm (UTC)
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Hm. Could be. Could be. I think it's a "sidekick" if they're a super-hero, and a henchman if they're a villain.

"Faithful companion" is also a hero thing, I think.

OH! "Minion!"

Yes, "minion" is a good word. So is "partner in crime."
[User Picture]
From:diachrony
Date:June 19th, 2007 10:25 pm (UTC)
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Awesome!

You've told him about Killer Condom: the Rubber That Rubs You Out, right? He's gotta see that. ... *I've* gotta see that!

A friend of mine loves Space Truckers ~ it's one of his favorite movies. But as is all too frequent with bad movies, there are no captions or subtitles.

I also find it odd that he likes it in all seriousness, not as someone who enjoys bad movies *because* they are bad and fun to mock. (But then, not having seen it myself, I've no opinion on the movie.)

I wish I knew what my superpower was. Hrmph. Something cool-funny, not embarrassing-funny.
[User Picture]
From:plklives
Date:June 20th, 2007 10:58 pm (UTC)
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Charlie is my kind of people! So I just turned on the TV and was able to find, within 30 seconds, a show on some "family" channel where the following dialogue took place:

Mom: I've planned this out, I've been working on it for a week! All I need is a few hundred dollars and a van.
Guy (maybe Dad): Are you listening to yourself?
Mom: Look, we isolate her so that nobody else gets involved. We set up lookouts. Then we get a "John" to drive her down an alley and dump her out of the car, we drive off in the van.
Guy: Okay, say it works, we get her home. How are you going to keep her here?
Mom: I've bought hospital restraints. We'll tie her to her bed.

I'm tempted to watch the rest of this show just to pick up more awesome catch phrases like "all I need is a few hundred dollars and a van." Because really, when it comes down to it, that can solve a lot of problems. That and hospital restraints.
[User Picture]
From:beard5
Date:June 27th, 2007 02:56 am (UTC)
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I hope you don't mind that I've friended you, I came here via ginmar.
I suspect your husband and I have the same superpower. Find out if he's seen Insecticidal (periodically shown on SciFi) It's fabulous! (or wretched, it depends)
[User Picture]
From:mrsveteran
Date:June 27th, 2007 03:38 am (UTC)
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Hiya! Nope, don't mind at all -- friends are always welcome.

He said Insecticidal doesn't ring a bell, but have you seen "Darktown Strutters?"

And .... fold!

:-)

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