mrsveteran (mrsveteran) wrote,
mrsveteran
mrsveteran

My Husband, the Super-Villain

Every one of us, while we may not realize its import, has a super-power. We each have some extraordinary talent that brings, for some, the amazement of friends and family, and for others, the amusement of people at cocktail parties. You've probably even witnessed some firsthand, like your cousin's ability to always get the parking space right by the door, or your aunt's ability to balance thirty-seven teacups on her head while singing "Carry me Back to Ol' Virginny" and performing an intricate bellydance after drinking most of the holiday rum punch at the family Christmas get-together.

Now certainly, these super-powers, amazing and/or amusing as they may be are not the sorts of things that tend to show up in comic books. They're often not at all useful for law enforcement, kicking bad-guy ass, saving the planet, or other such flashy (and, let's face it, overrated) things. Rather, they are, for good or for evil, mutant talents that can affect all in their vicinity.

My husband's super-power, or at least the one most widely famed, is the ability to find the most bizarre movies ever made.


Of course, at some time or another, we've all probably been channel-surfing on the TV when we suddenly come across something that looks a bit odd, or bad, or low-budget, bizarre, or just simply something we wouldn't make an effort to go and watch ourselves. Sometimes, we watch it with the fascination of a train wreck. It could happen to anyone.

To Charlie, however, this is the rule and not the exception. With his hand on the remote, the TV unfailingly comes on to "Vampire Beach Bunnies" or "Lord of the Pygmy Wombats in Space" or even "Space Truckers." If someone else is in the room, the TV will display something that Charlie finds hilarious and/or captivating, but which that someone else will likely find antithetical. For an example, sushirob has now watched "Next Friday" approximately eight times and I still don't think he's seen it all the way through. I myself have watched "Jackass: The Movie" at least thrice.

I don't think I need to point out that this was unintentional on our parts, do I?

I most certainly hope not.

I mention this only in passing, because this evening, as I came out of my office, I saw Charlie watching a movie where some young man was attempting to fill up some large syringes with some kind of liquid. A rather nervous looking man was strapped down on a table in front of him, while another man in a lab coat stood next to him exhorting him to focus on something and not be so nervous.

"They hired him to be an executioner at this prison," Charlie informed me, referring to the young man. "His dad was apparently on death row there at some time."

As I watched, the young man began singing "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves while he shot up the table guy with the syringes.

I looked over at Charlie. "This is an indy film, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but it's pretty good," he said.

He always says that.

"Apparently, they hired him because he has a genetic tendency toward moral ambiguity," Charlie said.

I walked away.

When I came back a few minutes later, the movie was still on. "His mom was a porn star and married his dad while he was still on death row and they had two kids. Oh -- and he just had sex with the next person he's supposed to execute," Charlie announced, no doubt wanting to make sure I got the full benefit of the film even without watching it.

"Um. Was it a woman?" I asked.

"Yeah, she was in the men's death row for budgetary reasons," he explained, "She said she saw him kill the other dude and that got her really hot and then she did him through the bars."

"Through ... the bars," I repeated.

"Yeah," said Charlie, giggling a bit.

"That is one wacky prison," I said as I made a hasty retreat.

As I said, we each, every one of us, has a super-power. I think Charlie is more along the lines of a super-villain. I'd like to go back out to the living room now, but ... I'm afraid.

Very afraid.

The lesson for us all here is this: if Charlie ever says, "Hey, I found a movie for ya," you should RUN, not walk, as fast as you can in the opposite direction from any surrounding televisions and/or TV remote controls. Probably should get away from computers as well, seeing as how there is YouTube.

I hope this important safety tip proves useful. Remember: the mind you save may be your own.

Thank you.

And good night.

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ETA: I was just informed that the movie was Love Comes to the Executioner and that it is available at Amazon.com. Which only goes to prove my point, to wit, Amazon.com is scary.
Tags: bad movies, charlie, my husband the super-villain, stories, super powers
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