mrsveteran (mrsveteran) wrote,

Just me, Dad, and the bobcat ...

So I just got my American Community Survey paperwork from the US Census bureau in the mail. Apparently, I ("Resident") have been randomly chosen to give the government information about my household and those living therein. You see, the actual census held every 10 years really isn't enough -- they need to do these little surveys in between to A) use up more of that pesky tax revenue that's lying around cluttering up things and B) get more updated data.

By strange coincidence, I recently came across an old Saturday Night Live video with Christopher Walken as a "Resident" and his talk with a US Census taker. (Google "Christopher Walken Census SNL" and you'll probably find the video or a transcript.) Anyway, the video is one of the most hysterically funny things I've ever seen, with dialogue such as:

Census taker: How many people live in this residence?
Walken: Oh boy. That's a good question. I'm ... bad with numbers. Maybe eighty.
Census taker: (incredulously) EIGHTY people live in this apartment?
Walken: Seems high ... doesn't it. Not eighty. How about four? I dunno. I'm so bad at guesstimating ...
Census taker: Well, why don't you just take your time and count?
Walken: 'Kay. There's me, my wife ... our plants. ... We have some ... candy bars ...

Then there's the part about his wife:

Census taker: Well, can I talk to her? (his wife)
Walken: (nodding) She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.

I'm sure you can see where this is going. One of the first questions on this survey is "How many people reside in this household?"

I looked at it, and had to forcefully restrain myself from writing "80." Sadly, there is only room for 12 persons on the form, so I had to hold back.

However, after carefully going over the questionnaire, I noticed that while response is required by law, it doesn't seem to specify anywhere that the responses need to be true, accurate, or in any way related to the current physical nature of the universe. Furthermore, there's no spot for a signature and one of those "I certify that this is true and correct to the best of my ability."

So, really, you could put down something like "Here's my response," or "U R A WEENIE" or even draw "HELP ME" in red crayon all over the form, as long as you send it back.

I think Person 12 needs to be a bobcat.

Or maybe one of the candy bars.

Hard to say. I'm so bad at guesstimating...
Tags: census, dad, stories
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