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March 31st, 2006

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04:08 pm - Fun with Co-workers Revisited
The whole "laying carpet" story reminded me of another great feat in my tradition of frightening Charlie's co-workers. This one was almost legendary in its simplicity and sheer terror value.

At the time, he was working for Color Tile. I called up to ask him something (no idea what) and one of the other sales guys answered the phone. I'd never met this guy, nor had I ever spoken to him while calling for Charlie, so he had no idea who he was talking to. The conversation went something like this:

"Hi," I said pleasantly. "Can I talk to Charlie for a minute please?"

"Sure," says the unfortunate victim cheerfully. "Is this his wife?"

I paused for a single, dramatic moment.

"His WIFE?" I shrieked at the volume that only years of voice training and community theater can produce.

"He's MARRIED?" I continued, more outraged than you could ever imagine. "You get that son of a bitch on the phone RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"

Generally, the phenomenon of someone turning pale is a visual thing, but I swear to you, I could hear the blood draining from this guy's face at the thought that he had just wrecked his buddy's little "on-the-side" nookie deal. I think this is a guy thing: you do not ruin another guy's nookie. It simply isn't the done thing, don't you know. Terribly gauche.

Plus, Charlie can be kind of intimidating physically. He's not a huge guy, but he's one of those guys that just gives the impression that you really shouldn't piss him off or you could easily get a quick and free ride to Having Your Head Crushed Like A Beer Can Town.

But I digress. In the background, I can hear this guy's terrified babbling and abject apologies as he explains to Charlie that "Dude, there's a girl on the phone for you, and I think it's your girlfriend, and holy shit, I mentioned your wife and she's freaking out man, I am so fucking sorry oh my God."

Charlie says, "Um, I think I'm going to take this call in the back," and he goes back into the employees-only area where no one can hear him.

"Hey, honey, what's up?" I say happily.

"Not much, but I think Jason just wet his pants out there," Charlie replied. "What did you say to him?"

I related the conversation to him.

Once again, Charlie and I about DIED laughing.

I try to use my powers only for good, but you know, sometimes, you just can't resist.

(10 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:April 1st, 2006 12:35 am (UTC)
*L* You are so fucking evil!!!

I love it! >:D
[User Picture]
Date:April 1st, 2006 12:46 am (UTC)
You don't just use your powers for good, you use them for awesome! *L*
[User Picture]
Date:April 1st, 2006 02:57 am (UTC)
NTS: Never call V.
[User Picture]
Date:April 1st, 2006 03:51 pm (UTC)
I've been really tempted when his female classmates call to yell out, "Honey! I think it's your girlfriend!"

I haven't actually done it though.

Either that, or in an old-lady type voice with a Spanish accent, "No, no, Charlie no está en casa. Okay? No no," and hang up.
[User Picture]
Date:April 1st, 2006 03:17 am (UTC)
That's so awesome. I love it!
[User Picture]
Date:April 1st, 2006 04:52 am (UTC)
I worship at your altar of greatness.

Truly I am blessed to read of your escapades.

*chants Mony Mony in honor of you*
[User Picture]
Date:April 1st, 2006 06:44 am (UTC)
Powers for good? Powers for good? When the hell have you ever used your powers for good?
[User Picture]
Date:April 2nd, 2006 03:29 pm (UTC)
Takes "Instilling Psychosis in Friends and Neighbors" FTW!
[User Picture]
Date:April 3rd, 2006 03:03 pm (UTC)
i love you!!!
[User Picture]
Date:April 3rd, 2006 08:53 pm (UTC)
You are truly my role model. I can only dream of reaching a fraction of your greatness.

: bows :

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