"I lyk 2 hang out wit me m8s," one particularly eloquent poster stated in the "About me" section of her profile.
"I enjoy movies, music, etc," offered another in a truly amazing insight into his character.
I mean, Goodness Gracious! It makes you feel like you've known them for simply years, doesn't it? It's like, "Gosh, that's my soul mate! We have so much in common! We are destined to be best buddies and penpals 4evr!" He likes movies, music, etc, and I like movies, music, etc: we were fated to meet online and really connect! It's so descriptive and intimate.
Except it's not. Not at all. It gives you more of a feeling of, "Who the fuck is this person, and, indeed, why do I care?" And honestly, you don't care. How could you? So you go on to the next, and the next, and the next, and perhaps you give up the idea of penpalling altogether, or go back to search Google, or something.
Once in awhile, though ... once in a very long while, something will catch your eye as you browse by. Something that just says, "I have GOT to contact this person."
Even if you don't want a penpal, sometimes you'll find a profile that just compels you to contact the person who posted it if, for no other reason, to say simply, "Dude. Best. Profile. EVER!!!"
Gold, I tell you. Sheer profile gold can be found by accident even among the dross of a penpal site.
This morning, I happened across one of these, which is a stellar example of the sheer literary beauty that can sometimes be found in, of all places, a penpal site. I'll present you just a taste of it here, so those doubters in the audience can see what I mean.
I'm like one of those martial arts masters you're always seeing who have given up violence and intensity and conflict and are now living a life of simplicity and solitude in a Buddhist monastary...I know that someday, in accordance with The Rules about These Things, I'll receive The Phonecall and be informed that my old nemesis has started back up his diamond mining operation, and the diamonds are mined using kitten-powered lasers, and the kittens are collected by child sweatshop laborers under terrible conditions, and the diamonds themselves are then ultimately ground up into fast food, in an attempt to render the poor toothless...but still, I'll say "No! I can't go back! I've renounced all that! I'm a man of peace now!" and then they'll tell me that my nemesis has kidnapped my family, and is holding them hostage at his headquarters, poised over the kitten-smelting vats. Then the camera will zoom in, and I'll say "This time, it's PERSONAL!" and shatter the phone in my fist!! Except, you know, substitute vicarious thrills for martial arts.
I think WAY too much.
(Read the rest)*
"Now, MrsV," I hear you cry, "There's no way anything like that would show up on a penpal site. It's all about Harry Potter and "i wnat u 2 b mi panpel."
And certainly, I understand your skepticism. However, I'd like to point out that I happened upon this on a penpal site, and that the "Read the rest" link above is the direct link to the profile on said site, and that (most importantly, and no matter what you might think), I, myself, DID NOT post this profile on that site.
Yes, I think that's important to get straight. I did not write it. I did not make it up. I just happened upon it this morning. (Looks like it was posted yesterday.)
So, for all you people out there who are looking for a new friend, I hope this has given you some new hope. Interesting, intelligent, scintillating and, dare I say it, witty and amusing, people still exist on the Internet.
And not all of them are me.
This public service announcement brought to you by the letter Theta and the number Pi.
*That "Read the rest" used to be a link, but apparently, his profile has since expired. ~sigh~