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May 8th, 2006

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07:02 pm - Pet Peeve #4,672: The Evil That Is Kay Jewelers
ginmar had mentioned the whole "guy buying girl a ring" thing as part of another post. This brought to mind yet another of my personal pet peeves, and that is, of course, the TV commercials for Kay Jewelers.

This is, without a doubt, one of the most repulsive and offensive TV advertising campaigns I've ever seen. I cringe and hold tight with teeth and toenails against the desire to shriek with horror every time I see one.

The motto? "Every kiss begins with Kay."

It's ... it's nightmarish! It's like, hand out a rock and get your sex on. No jewelry equals no kiss, nor, presumably, anything else. No kiss, no nookie, certainly no engagement or marriage.

"Every kiss begins with Kay."



It goes against every fiber of my being just to HEAR it!

Yes, I realize, there are a lot of things on Earth to be pissed off over, but for some reason, any time I see these commercials (which is to say, any time Christmas or Mother's Day or Valentine's day is approaching), I just cringe and boil with rage over the sheer thoughtlessness that led to this particular motto. It's as though every woman is just some kind of high-priced call girl to be bought with the price of a diamond ring.

Or earrings. Or little teensy diamond pendants. Something!

But it always seems to be diamonds in these commercials.

And, to be quite honest with you, and in the hopes that I will not, in this admission, lose any girly points, I have to say that I pretty much hate diamonds anyway! Give me a nice, synthetic emerald! Yes, or an amethyst, or something with a little color to it! I will tell you right now that you can get an amethyst the size of Fort Worth Texas for the price of a diamond the size of my pinky nail. You can get an Opal at least the size of Rhode Island for the price of a toenail-sized diamond.



Biggest marketing scam of all time.

No, I'm not bitter.

To me, the whole Kay campaign is just a seething cauldron of grossitude and horrifying assumptions.

(Although it has led to some hilarious moments like when I go to kiss my husband and suddenly go, "Wait! Where's my diamond, motherfucker?")

And then sing "Every kiss begins with Kaaaayyyy!"

That had us both rolling on the floor laughing our asses off.

So, I suppose it's not ALL bad.

Just mostly bad.

Now, Charlie has, in fact, in the past, given me jewelry. He once gave me a whopping-ass big amethyst that ever after, he and I referred to as my "thunkin' ring," since it is of a size as to make not only a handy weapon, but also a quite satisfying and resounding "THUNK!" if you whack someone in the forehead with it.

And although I loved the ring, and still do, it wasn't the best thing he ever got me. For example, he gave me a set of screwdrivers once. And not just ANY set of screwdrivers, mind you, but one of those cool ones that ratchets both ways with a twist of the dial, and has all these different tips that store in the handle. I mean, it had different sizes of phillips and slot tips and even weird ones like that little starry shaped thing that I have no idea what to call it.

And it's all in this ONE screwdriver package.

It was useful AND beautiful. (Especially because I'm always taking computers apart and putting them back together and you can never find the right screwdriver when you need one.)

Now, THAT's love, man.

Fuck the jewelry. Give me a Bulgarian AK and a ratcheting screwdriver, and I'm a happy gal.

Although, I suppose, "Every kiss begins with a screwdriver and 4,000 rounds of 7.62 millimeter ammo" doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Those advertising execs are so provincial. Just so unwilling to take the slightest risk for what could be the greatest advertising slogan of all time.

But I digress.

This last Christmas, he bought me these two big, fluffy, thirsty bath towels. I can't explain how thrilled this made me, because it would likely sound stupid, but suffice it to say that a towel for me and one for my hair that were JUST mine and nobody else's (and hence, not about to disappear from the towel rack without my noticing until I got into the shower) was one of the coolest and most thoughtful things anyone had ever gotten for me.

Well, other than the screwdrivers, of course.

(As a side note, while I was along the lines of thanking him profusely, and telling him that he was, in fact, the Best Husband Ever, he begged me not to blog about how my husband got me towels for Christmas, because all my friends would think he was horrible and unromantic, and so forth.

So, I didn't blog about it, but it's STILL romantic, because it meant a lot to me, and he knew that it would, and that's what it's really about.)

To get back to the point of all this, I find the "Every kiss begins with Kay" slogan to be composed of complete and utter suckitude. It is lame, and outdated;, uninspired and insulting. I would fight to the death for Kay's right to free expression, but honestly, that might be one of the cases where I might "accidentally" miss the bad guy and hit the victim, you know what I'm saying?

But never let it be said that I, MrsVeteran, do not offer constructive criticism! No, no. Let it not be said that I would be such a person as would say "That sucks" without offering at least some token means (however small) of fixing the problem.

And thus, I unveil to you, my idea, nay, my VISION! for the new, more modern, more hip and edgy, Kay Jeweler's Television Advertising campaign:

Exterior House, Night.

The charming young couple walks hand-in-hand under the streetlights. A breeze gently ruffles her hair. They slowly walk up the stairs to her home, while soft music plays.

They gaze into each other's eyes, the chemistry between them builds as though to fog the eye of the camera with the heat of their sheer passion, and the camera slowly zooms in on the faces of the young lovers, while the music swells to a shining crescendo!

Then, just as their lips are about to meet ...

"Wait!" she says, and the music grinds to a screeching halt. "Where's my diamond, motherfucker?"

The young man looks shamed and forlorn, and sadly trudges off into the night, alone, banished, and forgotten. The lady suddenly pulls out a Bulgarian AK-47 and bump-fires a few rounds at his departing heels just to encourage him a bit on his way.

She turns to the camera, blows the smoke from the end of the rifle, and smiles.

Cue to end titles:

"Every kiss begins with Kayyyyyyy!"

And now, I think I'd better go order Charlie some flowers. Or at least something with a diesel engine.

Because that is the kind of romantic fool I, indeed, am.

*I should point out that I composed this entry based on several comments I made on the above-linked ginmar post because I had fallen in love with the subject matter. Sorry for the copitude, folks.

(14 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 02:45 am (UTC)
Not only are we all whores holding out of a shiny, but we are two dollar whores holding out of a cheap piece of crap ring from a store at the fucking mall.

Like we all want a ring from a boy.
Like we can't go buy our own rings with or without a boy in tow.
Like getting a overpriced and very common stone like a diamond is going to help anyone get laid.

Yeah, okay... maybe in the square states...

I hate those people and their ads. I would much rather have a man who thought about what would make me happy and got me the fluffy towels that I didn't have to share or brought home the right kind of ice cream cause I was having a sucky day.

And who in hell pays retail for jewelry in the first place?! o.0

I thought we were all better than that.

Btw, I love your husband.

Oh, and outta my head.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 02:58 am (UTC)
Fluffy towels, warm socks, ice cream and screwdrivers.

These are the measure of a man.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 03:04 am (UTC)
MrsV, I love you. I hate those awful, sexist, classist diamond commercials. Also, wtf is up with those awful companies using conflict diamonds to represent love and commitment?
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 03:23 am (UTC)
For the followup ad campaign, it goes similarly, but this time, the guy is smarter and has brought, Yes! a diamond ring.

He smugly whips it out of his pocket and proffers it to her, secure in the knowledge that the nookie is ON for tonight, baby, YEAH!

At which point, she whips out a Smith & Wesson bolt-action thirty-ought-six and shrieks, "What do you think I am? SOME KIND OF FUCKING WHORE? DANCE, MOTHERFUCKER, DANCE!" and she starts shooting around his feet like in a Bugs Bunny/Yosemite Sam commercial.

Cue to the end credits:

"Every kiss begins with 4,000 rounds of ammooooooo!"

Brought to you by Smith & Wesson: The ultimate in feminine protection.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 06:34 pm (UTC)
HAHAHA! Feminine protection. Hehe.

*Soft music plays*
The announcer whispers ... "A diamond is like a pantyliner. It is the ultimate in feminine protection. Always wear your diamond."
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 03:41 am (UTC)
Yeah, totally agree with you on the diamond thing and the media's fucked up version of romance. I have to think that none of those marketing drecks have found their Charlie yet or they would certainly come up with something better.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 03:49 am (UTC)
Apparently "Every kiss begins with mutual love and respect" doesn't have the appropriate ring to it either.

[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 03:56 am (UTC)

I have had almost that entire rant many a time myself. Between those and the DeBeers commercials, I am SO hating the diamond industry. I never wanted a diamond engagement ring from TH. I asked him for a CZ. I wanted something shiny but I didn't want him to spend the same amount of money on it that we could have used for a cruise or something! I love colored stones too, and I don't care if they're "real" either. If I can wear it, its real enough for me. ANd I don't need some penis with a wallet to get it for me. So THERE.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 04:04 am (UTC)
I think that Ron White said it best:

"Diamonds are forever." "Diamonds - take her breathe away." "Diamonds - render her speechless." Why dont they just say it? "Diamonds - that'll shut her up."

I'd much rather have a tacky tiara with marabou and big, clunky pieces of shiny plastic than a diamond. My favorite gemstones are fire opals and rubies anyway (hardly that expensive, but so much more bang for your buck.)

Oh, and the surest way to render me speechless is to shove some ham in my mouth. *L*

You know that it's men doing all this stupid advertising shit, right?
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 08:00 am (UTC)
tsk tsk, you disappoint me. How could you not see Every kiss begins with AKay....
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 01:19 pm (UTC)

I blame the drugs.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 12:45 pm (UTC)
hmmm. my boy actually did pretty well with the sparkly. He went to a local jeweler in our town (hes all about local non-bix-box economy) and the nice owner lady helped him pick it out. Its a 3 stone jobbie, as compared to one massive rock that could be used for self defense. (although that can be a good thing, I wouldn't wear a ring like that every day. *LOL*)
I'm not a big jewelry wearer, so the idea of spending huge amounts on something like that for myself is nuts. My sparkly is more about the love and symbolism and less about the rocks in it. They could be CZ or a less pricey coloured stone, and I'd be just as happy. :o)
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 05:00 pm (UTC)
The commercial that really pissed me off was Tom Shane providing advice on how much to spend on a diamond. Three months' pay, he said, was a good rule of thumb.

In other words, no matter how much or how little you earn, you can follow this trite formula to years, perhaps decades, of servitude to "easy" credit terms.

Lemme borrow that AK, puh-leeze?
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2006 06:19 pm (UTC)
I'm getting a bracelet made from parachute cord. And maybe a little ring, but no stupid diamonds.

Makes me happier than having to worry about a freaking ton of money down the drain if I lose some overpriced ring.

Kay and all those other danged jewelry companies can suck it.

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