mrsveteran (mrsveteran) wrote,

True Tales of Terror: Bad Movie Night Part I

I believe at some time in the past, I have mentioned the mostly-weekly "Bad Movie Contest" we have going with some friends, in which each person tries to find the Worst Movie of All Time(tm) and inflicts it upon the rest of us in order to bask in the sheer ecstasy that one can find only from tormenting one's dearest friends. While generally, my TV watching is limited to occasionally peeking up from my book whilst Charlie watches TV, it would, unfortunately, be in poor taste (to say the least) and a violation of contest rules to read in order to escape the horror, and so, from time to time, I do watch an actual movie in its entirety.

Almost without exception, the movies are very, even excrutiatingly, bad. But not just "bad." Oh no. The aim of the Bad Movie Contest is nothing other than providing the finest in legal torture.

Sometimes the movies turn out to actually be rather good. "Six String Samurai" is one of them.

I was floored by this one, let me tell you. I mean, "A Buddy Holly lookalike with a samurai sword in his guitar heads to Vegas (with a small boy whose main contribution to the dialog is "AAAAHhhh" and "UNGH" and "Meeeehhhhh") in a post-apocalyptic United States where the King (Elvis) has died and where he intends to take the King's place. All this backed up by music performed by the Red Elvises, a Russian musical group." Doesn't that sound like it's got to be the Worst Movie of All Time(tm)?

It wasn't, though. I particularly liked the music so much I even went searching and downloaded "You've Got To Do The Boogie Voogie" which is actually entitled "Boogie on the Beach" but which, when sung, sounds extraordinarily similar to "Boogie on de Bitch."

Great movie. Bizarre, yet with its own charm.

I believe that next up will be Charlie's entry, "Quigley" in which (and I am NOT making this up) Gary Busey stars as an evil businessman who dies and is sent back to Earth as a Pomeranian in order to somehow make up for his misdeeds and buy his way into heaven.

The challenger, offered by sushirob, is a 1979 movie starring David Hasslehoff, and entitled "Starcrash," aka "Female Space Invaders."

I can face this agony without flinching, however, because I strongly believe that I have paid them all back in spades (with the possible addition of clubs, diamonds, hearts, a bishop and a few rooks) with "Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter."

Oh yes. Yesssssss. My revenge shall be sweet. SWEET, I tell you!

Before I begin, I feel I must first share with you the text from the back panel of the "Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter" DVD because it screams out to be shared.

The second coming is upon us, and Jesus has returned to Earth. But before he can get down to the serious business of judging the living and the dead, he has to contend with an army of vampires that can walk in the daylight.

Good enough for the Bad Movie Contest, right? I mean, as though the very TITLE of the film alone wouldn't be enough to just walk away with all the awards for all-time Bad Movies, this would do it.

But ...

It gets BETTER!

Combining kung-fu action (!) with Biblical prophecy, the film teams the Saviour with Mexican wrestling hero El Santo against mythological horrors and science gone mad, and also (!!) manages to address contemporary sexual politics. And did we mention that it's a musical?

I almost didn't want to watch it. "Kung-fu action!" "Contemporary sexual politics!" Holy Christ Almighty! (No pun intended. Yes, I am lying about the pun thing.) The name and the description are just so utterly perverse and deliciously bizarre that I was afraid the film itself couldn't possibly live up to the sheer horror inspired by the text.

But all that aside, if you were going to torture your very dearest friends with a horrible movie, wouldn't something of that description entitled "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" be RIGHT UP THERE?

Of course it would.

And so, my dear friends, although you were not with us the night of the viewing, I feel I must, MUST, share this wonder with you. Hold on to your hats (not to mention, your sanity, and yea, your very SOULS!), folks. You're in for a bumpy ride.

[to be continued ...]

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