mrsveteran (mrsveteran) wrote,

True Tales of Terror: Bad Movie Night Part III

[Part I] [Part II]

("Geez, their vampire lore is totally screwed up," sushirob says at this point, referring to the fact that the aforementioned vampires are threateningly baring their fangs and frolicking wickedly on the sunny beach. We all solemnly agree and turn back to the movie.)

The vampires attack. "Quickly," yells Jesus to Father Mohawk and Father Scooter, "Bless the lake!" while he goes into what is, perhaps, one of the poorest excuses for a martial arts "ready" stance I've ever seen, such that if my Tae Kwon Do instructor had seen it, it would have likely blinded him for life with the sheer wrongness and furthermore, would have caused him to immediately use the little-known Tae Kwon Do move whose name is unpronounceable in English, but which can be translated as "The Severing Of An Enemy's Head By Means of One's Toenails While Completely Blinded by the Sheer Evil of Their Incompetent Martial Arts Stance." I saw this move used only once on a First Lieutenant who used to play college football, and believe you me, it is NOT a pretty sight.

Father Mohawk and Father Scooter run to the lake, and quickly kneel in the water, or, as sushirob puts it, with "less kneeling and more falling to their knees, but with great style and flurry," crossing themselves, and praying and attempting the blessing while Jesus fights off one of the vampires, but alas, they are too slow, and the two other vampires slay the poor fathers while Jesus is busy with one of the clumsiest fight scenes ever choreographed.

Exeunt Father Mohawk and Father Scooter.

At last, Jesus sends two of the vampires into the now-blessed lake, while one escapes. He gazes sadly upon the hapless priests now floating in the water, turns resolutely back, and speeds off on the scooter, presumably now convinced that he must personally get involved to fight this evil.

For some reason that none of us have been able to figure out, Jesus' first stop is at a tattoo and body-piercing parlor where he has his ears pierced in what appears to be a most painful way. Then, it's off to the barber for a shave and a haircut. Or perhaps it's the other way around. Either way, eventually, He emerges, now clean-cut and still berobed, and we all agree that he was much better looking with the long hair and beard, but no matter: the Lord works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform.

("Probably the beard and wig were too hard to keep on during the fight scenes," banshree suggests, which certainly seems reasonable to us all.)

And wonders indeed are in store for us, for suddenly, and without warning, Jesus begins an ensemble song and dance number! He prances, he skips, he ... sings ... if you can call it that. He rides off on a skateboard tossed to him from someone off stage left. It's all very disturbing on so many levels that I can't even describe it. Generally, if I hear a song once, I can remember that tune, and often, most of the lyrics, forever.

I do not remember the tune of this song and dance number, nor any of the lyrics.

I do not remember them at all.

Although I strive, I simply cannot bring them up out of my memory ... it's as though the sheer trauma has hidden itself in the same way that the mind often blacks out an experience to horrible to be remembered.

All I can remember is the newly-clean-cut Jesus making moves that would be the envy of many a professional drag queen.

("Well. Jesus is apparently gay," remarks sushirob.

"Who knew?" I reply.)

Exeunt all the people from the dance number who were absolutely down with the Saviour while the music and dancing was going on, but who apparently remembered other appointments and while, gosh, they'd really like to help in this battle against evil and all, they really couldn't drop their plans at this late date, but good luck with that, Jesus, take care now, buh-bye.

After this, Jesus is attacked by Atheists, about 200 of which come pouring out of a Jeep Wrangler in a way that put us all in mind of the little car at the circus that holds 12 or 13 clowns. Come to think of it, about six or seven atheists come running out of the Wrangler at a time, and then patiently wait their turn to attack the Lord. To make a long story short, Jesus kicks all their butts and leaves a giant pile of atheists lying in the park.

This scene is worth watching for the special effects alone, some of which are reminiscent of the time when I was about 8 years old and taking a theater arts and film workshop and we learned that you can make someone disappear or move instantly to one side by stopping the film, moving the person, then resuming the film again. Oh, and the bit where the head atheist lady readies herself for the final battle by angrily grabbing her boobs and firmly adjusting them into what one assumes to be the appropriate fighting configuration. Not to mention the fact that the individual beaten atheists are nowhere to be seen during the fighting, but when Jesus walks off, triumphant, there is a pile of all 200 of them lying there in the park.

Exeunt atheists.

Jesus spends the next several million years (subjective viewing time, actually only about twenty minutes or so by the clock) running into the shiny-russet-vinyl-clad hot fighting chick Mary Magnum who sneaks into his apartment, surprising him, after which she kicks his ass, but, as luck would have it, turns out to be a good guy who takes him into a sauna/steambath where she brings up a laptop and they discuss highly classified quantum molecular disease theory of vampirism.

She then helps him in his quest by taking him to a vintage thrift shop to get him clothing more appropriate than the robes he is currently wearing. Jesus tries various garments, taking them down from the rack and holding them out hopefully for Mary's approval.

("Oh my God," yells sushirob, "It's Queer Eye For The Savior Guy!" We all missed the next few minutes of whatever dialog may have ensued because we had all about fallen out of our chairs shrieking with laughter.)

[But WAIT! There's MORE!]

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