mrsveteran (mrsveteran) wrote,

True Tales of Terror: Bad Movie Night Part IV

[Part I] [Part II] [Part III]

As Jesus tries on clothes for Mary's approval, this leads to something that one would never have expected to see and probably couldn't ever conceive of, to wit, Jesus Christ wearing a skin-tight T-shirt with the words "FUCK ME. FUCK YOU. FUCK EVERYBODY" emblazoned on the front. He ends up with something a bit less patently offensive, although he did seem quite pleased with the "FUCK YOU" shirt at the time, and the Lord and Mary Magnum speed off together on a scooter.

Nothing says "Bad-Ass" like a little blue scooter, as we all know.

(I swear to you that I am not making this up. I have witnesses. Although Charlie maintains that he does not remember anything, ANYTHING at all, about the film.)

Jesus also has a conference with Father Eustace (the original priest who has not yet been killed) in which he is briefed on the vampire situation. Father Eustace is obviously concerned about Jesus' safety in this dangerous situation, and asks him to make sure to let them know all his plans and where he'll be at any given time. "We need to keep close tabs on you, Jesus," he says with a sunny smile.

(At this point, Charlie theorizes that Father Eustace is, in fact, if not one of the vampires, at least in league with them. Another glance at the DVD jacket, wherein a small shot of Father Eustace with fangs appears, seems to confirm this theory, so now we are all aware that, Ha HA! The plot thickens!

Yes, yes. Indeed, the plot has thickened to the consistency almost of a bowl of oxygen.)

Exit Father Eustace.

Interspersed with all this action are occasional fights with the lesbian vampires, in which Jesus tends to get his ass kicked a lot more than you would expect of the son of God, various and sundry appearances of the wild-eyed, black-haired Zealot Man who generally bursts out of a hedgerow of some sort waving the Bible and expostulating on this and that in a way that seems to be intended to be very deeply religious and spiritual and important but which, rather, leaves the viewer looking around the room and saying, "Um ... what the FUCK?"

At about two-thirds of the way through the movie, we find Our Lord and Mary Magnum crawling through air ducts until they come across a large, chubby, and obviously psychotic blonde white man with one white eye who is in the process of cutting out a piece of skin from a fairly obviously dead girl. He then holds the piece of skin up and rubs it around his face while giggling maniacally and explaining to the empty air that grafting the skin of the living to the vampires can allow them to walk about in daylight while the drugs they must take to keep from rejecting the grafts leave them in a state of euphoria. Enter Vampire Johnny Golgotha and the head Vampire Chick who discuss the progress of Dr. Psycho's work and the need for more lesbians, and Johnny's promise to bring some back in a few minutes, and so forth.

Exeunt crazy white guy and the vampires having been overheard by Jesus and Mary Magnum.

("So, what we've got here is like some sort of lesbian-skin vampire body-condom," sushirob remarks.

"See, they weren't wrong on their vampire lore at all," I tell him. "They just have this new technology so that the vampires can walk about in the daylight."

There is a pause.

"This movie is the biggest piece of shit in the universe," Charlie opines, effectively ending the conversation with the sheer eloquence and absolute Truth of his observation. )

As the film continues, Mary Magnum is killed and taken by the vampires, while Jesus is sorely injured and left for dead. He lies on the sidewalk, bloody and broken, and holds his hand out piteously to passersby whispering "Help ... me."

The first one to pass by is a police officer, who says, "Sorry, mate, my compassion ended at six o'clock," and proceeds on past.

(Charlie remarks on how this statement is one which he believes will be extremely helpful in his new career as a Social Worker, and resolves to use it at every opportunity.)

The second one to pass by is absolutely unmemorable in every way. In fact, there may not even have been a second passerby at all, although sushirob assures me that it was, in fact, some sort of socialite carrying a Pomeranian. She looks away in horror and hurries off.

Finally, a very hairy transvestite in a Prince Valiant-style blonde wig comes along, for some unknown reason recognizes Jesus AS Jesus, is overcome with sympathy for the Saviour, and takes him home to nurse him back to health. After a brief and somewhat terrifying scene where the transvestite undresses to some sort of teddy and tenderly mops the blood from Jesus' brow, while music plays in such a way that we're all convinced another musical number is impending, we find a recovered Jesus sitting sadly in a diner of some sort all alone.

Exit transvestite, who is never seen again in this film.

(As a side note, I've forgotten to mention that in addition to Raving Zealot Man appearing periodically, perhaps as a separator for the different acts of this ingenious passion play, the scene-to-scene transitions are performed with what we can only really describe as "The Bat Cross" wherein a cross with twirly lines reminiscent of the Bat Signal revolve around the screen while mostly unintelligible voices intone something that sounds approximately like, "Go, Jesus!" This artistic touch only serves to add to the overall ambience of the film as a whole.)

Back to the forlorn Saviour in the diner. A waitress walks up and informs Jesus that his dessert is ready. He looks suspicious and says he didn't order any, and the waitress tells him it was a gift from ... someone. She brings him a bowl of ice cream with a couple of grapes on top such that it looks like some sort of bizarre frog creature, and sets it down. The ice cream starts speaking to Jesus, who, after a conversation where the ice cream says something like, "Aren't you wondering why a bowl of ice cream is talking to you?" and Jesus says something like, "I've seen a lot of strange things in my time," figures it out and says, "Oh, hi, Dad."

("Because apparently," says sushirob, "God can only manifest himself within dairy products.")

They converse, God-As-Ice-Cream tells Jesus that he knows what he must do and tells him to call his mother because she misses him.

Exit Holy Ice Cream.

[Up Next: Mexican Wrestling Star Santo! The musical stylings of Blind Jimmy Leper! And the stunning conclusion!]

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