First of all, I must tell you that I am not linking to the "Stumble Upon" module here, because it is the epitome of sheer and diabolical EVIL.
EVIL, I tell you!
If you ever want to get anything done online again, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT install this module. This will have you running across the coolest and most useful sites EVER, many of which you will not have already seen.
Family time? Completely hosed.
Blog writing, correspondence, yard work, housework? Forget it.
"Stumble Upon" will suck the fucking life out of you. It will make you an addict, and you won't be able to resist hitting that button over, and over, and over, and over again.
Until, one day, you happen upon something so horrifying, so omnipotent in its creepiness and sheer wrongitude, that you seriously consider going through the agony of Stumble Upon withdrawals just to make sure you never, never, EVER, see anything like that again.
In my case, this site was "FEMA for Kids."
The Federal Emergency Management Agency -- you remember them: they're the ones who did such a great job after Hurricane Katrina and so forth -- has put up a website for children in order to teach them how to be prepared for disasters and disaster damage.
This wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, you know. I mean, children can use information about disaster preparedness too. Hell, most kids would be thrilled to be involved in Mommy and Daddy's disaster planning schemes! So the idea of this website isn't what's so terrifying.
Rather, it's the implementation.
First of all, the site is bright yellow.
Bright. Fucking. YELLOW.
With "FEMA for KIDS" in giant blue (#340dd1) letters outlined with green (#20d301). Something like this:
|FEMA for Kids
Okay, it's not really like that, because on their site, the letters are outlined with the green, but I didn't feel like screwing with the code necessary to fool the various browsers into doing a text outline.
Now, if that didn't make you want to claw your eyes out of your head, just wait! It gets better!
You know how some organizations and so forth will have a spokesperson, or spokesmodel, or otherwise some sort of public relations entity that hangs out with you through the site? Sometimes it's "Bob the CEO," and sometimes it's "Cindy, Customer Relations Specialist."
On FEMA for Kids, it is Herman.
Yes, you read that correctly: Herman, the spokesCRAB. As in, some sort of hermit crab with a bright blue shell the same color as the FEMA for Kids lettering.
There is a story about Herman and his search for a disaster-proof shell. After the WIND (because, as we all know, those under-sea winds are killer) blows his shell away, he finds a new shell and uses hurricane straps to tie it down. Unfortunately, there comes a big RAIN (another under-sea danger that is not widely reported) and his new shell is flooded!
At this point in the story, Herman states, and I quote, "I bet you didn't know being a hermit crab was this much trouble!"
No. No, Herman, I did not. In fact, I would have thought that your ocean-going life would have made you smart enough to stay the hell OUT of the wind and the rain and down in the coral reefs where you belong. But okay, I've learned something, so never let it be said that the FEMA for Kids site is not educational in many, many, wondrous ways.
Next, his shell gets destroyed in an earthquake. Herman laments, "This was terrible and I was very mad. Why did things keep happening?"
Well, yes, indeed. I'm sure we'd all be very mad. I'm sure the Katrina victims were quite perturbed when their houses got flooded and destroyed. I'm sure earthquake victims have been just a tad vexed at the loss of their property and occasional family members.
I, for one, am happy to know that hermit crabs can be empathetic to our problems.
Finally, after checking, and re-checking, and reading countless taxpayer supported reports, he finally comes up with a shell that will withstand hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, and earthquakes! He basks in the knowledge that he is finally safe in his shell!
But then, the stupid motherfucker has a barbecue and BURNS his shell down!
(No, I'm not kidding.)
Now he calls himself, "Herman, the Particularly Important Crab (P.I.C.)" and wanders about this site showing everyone what he has learned throughout his many home disasters. Herman asks that we all spread the word and tell his story, and so, I have done so for you, my dear friends.
I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that Herman is going to have a bit of trouble getting homeowner's insurance after totalling no less than four fucking entire homes! Where's the FEMA for Kids insurance tips, that's what I want to know! Useful information, dammit. That's what we need.
I won't go over the many frightening things on this site like the invitation to become a Disaster Action Kid, the Terrorism section (which requires parental approval) or the FEMA for Kidz RAP (which includes the words "mitigation is important to our agency" among other traditional hip-hop rhymes), The Mighty Disaster Twins (um ... "Tornado-stopping powers -- activate?") or the Earthquake Drill video ("Evvybody get unda the table!" screams an eight-year-old) which is not much better than "Duck and Cover."
I believe I'm scarred for life. TRULY scarred and traumatized.
The moral of this story is: Do not use the "Stumble Upon" Mozilla plugin, and if you do, and you see a bright yellow website with blue letters, CLOSE YOUR BROWSER IMMEDIATELY.
Important safety tip.