mrsveteran (mrsveteran) wrote,

I'm starving ...

I'm literally starving. I've been trying to stay under 1200 calories a day, thinking that that was what I needed to maintain my weight and not gain. Sometimes that ends up being around 700 or 800 calories a day, and sometimes (like this weekend at the water park, in which I ate no less than two hamburgers, two footlong hot dogs, and four cookies) up to 2,000+, but normally around 1000 or so.

Had the metabolism test again today, and I'm up from a BMR of 1270 to 1370. Plus, at my daily activity level (not much and not counting any working out I do), I need like 1700 calories a day just to stay the same weight. Then there's the whole treadmill and weight training thing, which probably takes it up even more.

No wonder I'm hungry and feeling like crap.

So, now that I know that, I'm not sure what to do about it.

Okay, "Eat more," yeah. Only ... it's really tempting to just go and lose more weight. You know, just a little more. Maybe get down under 130. Maybe just to 125 or so. It's only a few pounds, you know, and wouldn't that be cool -- for me, the chubby girl, to weigh 125? Yeah. That'd be cool. Or maybe just a few more than that, and get down to 118 which is actually technically underweight. It's not that much less than 125, and how cool would THAT be? To actually be UNDERWEIGHT after all those years of seeing "Obese white female" in my medical charts, and listening to the doctor telling me I should just eat under 1,000 calories a day.

I have this vision in my head of people begging me to eat because I'm too thin. And I could eat anything I wanted because it would be okay if I gained weight. I could live on chocolate and Doritos and ice cream and sushi. That would rock. That would be the coolest thing ever.

Except ...

I know that's not right. That's not right at all. It wouldn't be the coolest thing ever, and would end up with me feeling like total shit every day.

It's really, really tempting though. I barely recognize my own body these days. There are bones and tendons and muscle-type things that I didn't even know were under there. And I start to think, "Hey, what else is under there?" And I start really wanting to find out, and just take it a little more, just a little more down.

Sometimes it's a bad deal, having to live inside my head. Sometimes it's a really bad deal.

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