mrsveteran (mrsveteran) wrote,
mrsveteran
mrsveteran

Dear Lowes Home Improvement Centers:

A friend mentioned that Lowes needed to be added to the list of stores she cannot go to while hungry. I agreed that duct tape is both tasty and high in fiber, when she pointed out that it also comes in colors.

Well.

That is it.

That, by GOD.

Is it.

This is the thing that will make Lowes finally and forever win the battle over Home Depot, and to a lesser extent, Wal-Mart, Target, and the other littler guys.

I think you know what I'm getting at here:

That's right: flavored duct tape.

The red can be cherry!

The yellow can be banana!

Or maybe lemon. It depends on your preference. Hell, it could be GRAPEFRUIT! Anything!

The green could be tasty lime or watermelon or green apple.

And.

AND!!!

You get it to where Lowe's goes into partnership with the pharmaceutical companies, right? The ones that made the Duragesic patch for pain control and the nicotine patch for quitting smoking. And then the pharma dudes figure out how to stick all the vitamins and minerals and protein you need into TWELVE INCHES OF TAPE!

My GOD! Can you imagine?

You can go to visit your local dominatrix and get tied up AND FED at the same time! All your day's Recommended Daily Allowance of nutrition will just sink into you through your duct tape gag!

And you can wear pretty, colorful, duct tape jewelry and get your nutrition that way!

Fix a leak in your air duct and tear off a little extra for yourself and the kiddies!

Or chew it up like gum for a little snack!

Dogs and Cats will love it too! We can have brown duct tape for like kitty kibble flavor! Beige for Milk-Bone flavor! Lamb and Rice Tape! We can stop the dogs from barking, the cats from yowling, and feed them at the same time by just taping up their little mouths!

There'd be that little problem with the fur when you pull it off, but I'm totally confident that the pharmaceutical companies who brought you Oxycontin and Prozac could get over that little hurdle.

I'm telling you: this, my friends, THIS!

Is the FUTURE!

Yes.

And just think: you read it here first.

On this blog.

On the Internets.

I'll be expecting an excellent royalty on this, my patent-pending suggestion, to you, the Board of Directors of Lowes Home Improvement Centers.

Thank you.

And have a nice day.

Sincerely,

MrsVeteran
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