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August 25th, 2006

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05:16 pm - Why Charlie is Teh Evil: Reason #473
My nephew Scott, who recently got married, is off at Basic Training for the Army, or, as some refer to it, "Boot Camp."

Boot Camp is a place where they give you boots, and you polish them a lot. You also do many, many, many pushups. There's some other stuff that happens, like running around and rifle/grenade/etc training, but most of the time is devoted to boots and pushups.

And yelling on the part of the Drill sergeants.

At least, that's mainly what I remember.

Anyhoo, Basic is a very BOO-YAH kind of environment. It's very ... hm ... macho, I guess might be a good word in a lot of ways. You do pushups for any kind of minor infraction, or just because the Drill sergeant is feeling a bit testy.

We just got Scott's mailing address today.

Charlie wrote him a letter.

On the address side of the envelope, the return address is simply a picture of a beautiful rainbow, with the words, "Scott's Homosexual Lover" printed at the top.

On the reverse side is printed, in large friendly letters, "MAKE ME PAY WITH PUSHUPS."

If you've ever been through Basic Training, I don't think I have to tell you what the result of Scott's receiving this letter will be. Either one of those messages by itself would suffice to make anyone's Basic Training environment a complete nightmare in so many ways I cannot even fathom it.

If you haven't, you must simply take my word for it that Charlie is evil.

Personally, I think he's getting revenge for the time his Dad sent him a similar letter when he was in Basic.

But I prefer to think that he's just Teh Evil.

(8 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:August 26th, 2006 12:29 am (UTC)
That's brilliant!

Evil to the core!
[User Picture]
Date:August 26th, 2006 12:44 am (UTC)
Ahahahahaha! Genius. Evil genius.
[User Picture]
Date:August 26th, 2006 01:50 am (UTC)
That is sick and evil.

It sounds like something I'd do :D

I <3 Charlie.

BTW, when I was in ROTC, it was customary for the cadet officers to send each up and coming officer a "care package" of gay porn and stuffed animals while they were in summer field training (kind of like an abbreviated basic). Supposedly. I think the threat was worse than actually receiving the dreaded package :D
[User Picture]
Date:August 26th, 2006 02:02 am (UTC)
I once sent a pack of smiley face stickers to a friend in basic. *snicker*
said he got something like 20 pushups for it.
[User Picture]
Date:August 26th, 2006 03:10 am (UTC)
Verra Evil Man you gots there.

I've only had one relative in my lifetime go to bootcamp (Marine), and I was not nearly so evil when I sent him a letter.

This was back when a series of books by an author named David Eddings had just come to my attention though... and I wrote the 'how are you?' letter in 'high style'. Thees, thous, flowing metaphors, and single sentences that could make most common paragraphs flee in terror.

He never did write back, durnit.


Maybe I should do that again for Christmas letters this year. I mean, it was tons o' fun.
[User Picture]
Date:August 26th, 2006 08:33 pm (UTC)

And of course this triggers my own brain to try and come up with a few.

How about a quote on the back?
"Basic will be a breeze. I can do more pushups than any mealy-wormed sargent."
Scott Blackbox

(yeah, spelled wrong on purpose)

How about a "Go Navy!" sticker on the outside, and a sheet of them inside?

A return address of "Marine Recruitment Center" and a red "Denied" stamp across it?

Send him a GI Joe dressed in Earring Magic Ken gear.
[User Picture]
Date:August 26th, 2006 09:25 pm (UTC)
HAhahaha! That is so awesome.
[User Picture]
Date:August 28th, 2006 03:36 am (UTC)
truly a fine match for yourself MRSV

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