I think you all know where I'm going with this.
That's right: the Microsoft Word spell checker does not recognize the word "squooshed."
No, no, I understand. I couldn't believe it myself at first. Honestly, I thought perhaps I'd just spelled it wrong. But then, when I went to correct it, the only choices it had were "squashed" and "squished," which, of course we all know, are COMPLETELY different concepts from "squooshed."
Honestly, this wouldn't have been so bad. It's just one word after all, right? No big deal -- probably just an oversight.
Or so I THOUGHT!
Until I noticed that the Microsoft Word spell checker also does not recognize "yadda yadda!" It wanted me to change it to "Addax Addax" or "Dada Dada" or, in a completely freakish turn of events, "yards yards." Now, I ask you: how in the world am I supposed to write a story about someone who talks along forever without saying anything? How am I supposed to write about some kind of newfangled TV Infomercial device that I don't quite know the name of? In fact, how am I supposed to write anything without once using the phrase "yadda yadda?"
It's ... it's just monstrous, that's what it is!
Microsoft is interfering with my freedom of expression at the very deepest and most personal level. I simply couldn't let this pass, and so I felt I had to speak out. You, my friends, now you know the evil that Microsoft is attempting to inflict upon us with its Word software.
"Well, I never use the word 'yadda yadda' or 'squooshed,'" you may say in a condescending little voice. "Why should I care about this?"
Well. Do you like sushi? If so, you should know that Word also does not recognize unagi, tobiko, or (and I am not kidding around here), wasabi! You just go try to write about what you had for lunch at the all-you-can-eat Sushi bar. Go ahead. I'll wait. Oh, you're back, are you?
I guess now you'll see what I mean.
And if that is not horrifying enough for you, Word also does not recognize the word "whatsis." Or "Vrooom." Or "nookie." Or "Quod Erat Demonstrandum." Or, perhaps worst and most tragic of all, "Google."
I mentioned this to Charlie, but he, not being a programmer and obviously having been brainwashed by the conglomerate, did not (if you can believe it) see this as a big deal.
"Oh, yeah," he said, "that happens all the time. I just add it."
"You just add it," I said, incredulously, unwilling to believe that he had just caved in like that.
"Yeah," he went on, "like I probably have about fifty versions of 'hehehe' in there by now."
The tragedy of this fine and brave man, a veteran of more than one combat situation, being crushed by this unreasonable software design nearly brought tears to my eyes.
You see, now. Yes, I think you see the true evil that is Microsoft. I mean, forget that monopoly and unfair competition stuff -- that's small potatoes. Everyone does that. It's just part of the industry.
But when you interfere with my words, my beautiful, lovely, wonderful words, well then: we're going to have issues.
In short, you can have my "squooshed" when you pry it from my cold, dead yadda yadda.
And that, my friends, you can take to the bank.