The rules are as follows:
- I will not remember your birthday until I have known you at least 30 years, and potentially, not even then.
I can assure you wholeheartedly that this is not due to any lack of concern, love, respect, or affection for you on my part. Rather, it is due to the fact that I barely remember my own birthday (and then only because sometimes people give me stuff out of the blue), or my husband's (and then only because my Mom generally reminds me), or my family's (Mom or Dad reminds me), and so on.
Therefore: should you wish me to remember your birthday, you must provide for me, in writing, your full date of birth (year optional), your full name (nicknames acceptable), and any potential birthday preferences no less than six (6) months in advance, and preferably in triplicate.
- I will not even attempt to get you anything for your birthday ever unless all of the following conditions are met:
- You want something that I can afford to buy.
- You (or a designated third party) make it expressly and vividly clear exactly what make, model, size, color, fabric, wood grain, brand and/or trademark of said something you want and
- You (or a designated third party) remind me at least several times in advance of your birthday that your birthday is coming up on such-and-such date and shouldn't I get off my ass and order that Brand X Size 8 Purple Fluffy Mo-Getter from Amazon.
- If you tell me when your birthday is, and then tell me, "But don't get me anything, really," I reserve the right to take one or more of the following actions:
- Not get you anything,
- Get you something lame like a one (1) dollar Amazon gift certificate or a Happy Meal toy,
- Get you an amusing card which states, in part, "Ha ha, I didn't get you anything" or
- Get you something that I really like, but you probably won't, in the hopes that it will sit in your closet and collect dust until you can't stand it anymore and give it back to me.
- You may not get me anything for my birthday, ever, unless you are prepared to happily accept the fact that I will very likely forget yours altogether, every single year, until you've known me at least 30 years. Call it one of those endearing personal quirks -- it's much nicer than several other things you can call it.
Being my friend constitutes acceptance of the Birthday Policy stated herein and all rights and privileges thereunto appertaining.
That is all.